This time the sob was in Julija’s throat, choking her. In her mind. Swamping her. She immediately hugged herself tightly in the hopes Elisabeta could feel it. I am here for you. You will not be alone.
I am so lucky to have met you, Julija. Thank you for being my friend.
Julija didn’t hear hope in Elisabeta’s voice. Not one small bit. Her lifemate had done that. The thought of having one had overwhelmed her friend, not made her happy. Julija was no closer to an answer than she had been before, but she had to help Elisabeta. She couldn’t leave her to suffer in terror hiding beneath the ground.
You say lifemates have to make their women happy, Elisabeta.
Yes. The pairs are meant for one another.
Elisabeta fell neatly into Julija’s trap. Then this man has been made for you and you for him. He will make you happy.
I wish I could believe that, but I am no longer the one who carries his soul.
You must, or he wouldn’t know it was you, right?
I worded that incorrectly. I do not know how to say this. I have guarded his soul carefully from Sergey and it earned me my worst punishments, but I was adamant, he could not bring down my shield. I would have suicided first.
Now Julija could hear the terrible screams of agony Elisabeta had made when Sergey punished her for not giving him what he demanded. She shivered, desperate to reach out to her friend. No prisoner of war could have been treated as cruelly as the vampire had treated the one he’d captured and kept for himself.
You are more than worthy of this man who claims you. Was it trading one prison for another? Was that how Elisabeta saw it? That was how Julija saw it for both of them. Maybe I can steal you away somewhere they can’t find us until we sort things out and have the chance to decide our own fates. She half joked, half made the offer.
That is a wonderful thing to offer me, Julija, but I cannot accept. Elisabeta took her seriously. I will honor my commitment to him once he knows that I have been changed for all time and we might not fit. He would feel responsible for me once he ties us together, so I hope to get the chance to speak before he does so.
Just talk to him as soon as you surface.
Elisabeta gasped, clearly horrified. I cannot speak to him, not without permission.
Julija went very still, fighting down a surge of anger. What do you mean? You have to wait for permission to speak before you can talk to a lifemate? Isai didn’t tell me that.
Instantly Julija had the overwhelming impression of shame. Her heart sank. She pressed her fingers to her eyes, wishing the pounding headache would go away.
I’m sorry. It was too late to take back the blunder and Julija inwardly cursed herself for her carelessness. Elisabeta had spent centuries asking permission to speak. She was so conditioned that by now, that law was so ingrained in her that she probably couldn’t speak without permission. All along, Julija had thought she was the only one who would understand Elisabeta’s special needs, but she was already failing her.
There is no need to be sorry. I have told you, and it is true. I am much altered. I believe when my lifemate becomes aware I cannot even think for myself, he will free me. Now her voice shook with terror. I do not want him to despise me for being the way I am, and yet I must confess to him. He has waited centuries to find me. Gone through so much, and I have nothing of value to give him. I am ashamed and feel sorrow for him.
Elisabeta took on such a burden, despising who she was and what she’d become because she didn’t feel she had anything to give her lifemate, while Julija had turned hers down. She was beginning to feel the urgent need to see Isai. To hear his voice. To touch his mind.
Don’t, Elisabeta. Don’t think that of yourself.
It is the truth. I cannot blame him if he turns me away, but without someone to guide me, I do not know what I will do.
Julija swallowed hard. I will come to you.
You must sort out your life, Elisabeta said. You are willing to sacrifice yourself for me, but not for your lifemate. Do you have any idea why?
Julija abruptly pulled out of Elisabeta’s mind, slamming the door hard on any memories that tried to creep in. She would not go there. She would not let her past define her as Elisabeta was doing. She sank down, back to the rock, knees to her chest, looking down at the scorch marks on the granite surface. Who was she kidding? Not Elisabeta, and not herself. She was already allowing the past to define her. No one could escape their past.
Elisabeta was forever shaped into a submissive woman who needed someone to gently guide her back to a place where she could feel strong and believe in herself again. Julija needed . . . what? Someone. Someone had come along and she’d rejected him. Not only had she rejected him, she’d deliberately insulted him and the Carpathian culture.
There was no sound, but she knew Isai was there, almost as though by thinking of him, she had conjured him up. When she opened her eyes, he was crouched beside her, looking utterly male, all muscle and hard lines, totally at odds with the way his finger traced a line down her cheek. She realized she was crying and instantly felt vulnerable.
She lifted her gaze to his and the impact of his sapphire eyes caught her right in the stomach like a hard blow.
“Why the tears?”
She shook her head mutely, but the burn behind her eyes increased. So much was lost to her. She couldn’t even say lost when she’d never had it. Never. She’d never had love. Or a real family. She’d never had anyone to care whether she was hurt or not. His touch on her skin felt shockingly beautiful. She felt trapped by him, by what he held out to her when she knew it was most likely an illusion. She’d lived in illusions until finally, one day, she’d realized what was happening and become mistress of them.
“Julija, simple politeness requires you to answer.”
Her face flamed red and she tried to jerk her head back to get away from his touch. She hit the back of her head hard against the rock. Pain added to the already pounding headache. She let herself cry. For Elisabeta and for herself. Two women trapped in cages they could never break out of.
4
Isai brushed at the tears on Julija’s face. His heart clenched hard enough to be painful. The sight of her crying tore at him, caused a completely visceral reaction. She might have rejected him, but while he was with her, he had no choice but to take care of her. The need to stop her tears was so strong he moved closer to her, sheltering her with his body.
“Julija, you must tell me what is wrong. I cannot aid you if you do not communicate with me.”
She pressed her face into her hands and shook her head, but the sobs didn’t stop. Now his gut was churning. He sighed. “Little mage, you will be the death of me. If you do not tell me what distresses you, you leave me no choice but to extract the information from you.”
Her head snapped up and she glared at him. The effect wasn’t what she was looking for because her face was splotchy red from crying and her eyes were watery. Her feathery lashes stuck together, giving her the appearance of a drowned kitten.
“You have a million choices, Isai. A million. Your last choice should be taking something I haven’t offered you.”
“At least you are talking, even if what you say is pure nonsense.” He stood up and held out his hand. “We have to go now if you’re coming with me.”
With a show of great reluctance, she put her hand in his. He closed his fingers around it and pulled her to her feet. “You do not have to come with me if you do not want to,” he stated. “You want to make your choice, make it fast.”
She seemed to wince as if he’d struck her, but she just nodded her head. “I’m going with you.”
“If you’re going with me, Julija, I will still be the same man you have rejected. I lead. I will always lead. It will be that way until we part ways.”
Her long lashes lifted, and she glared at him. “Less talking and more leading would be good.” She managed to use her snippiest voice.
For some reason, that made him want to laugh. He didn’t, but he wanted to and that shocked him. He couldn’t really remember laughter, but he felt it. Without preamble, and maybe just to retaliate and shock her a little, he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulled her tightly into his chest and took to the air.
Julija gasped and pressed her face against him. She felt small and fragile in his arms. He kept her warm, cognizant of the fact that she couldn’t regulate her body temperature.
Wrap your arms around my neck.
She did so without hesitation, and his heart jerked wildly in his chest. His body reacted to hers. There was no way to stop it, not even with his tremendous control. She . . . belonged. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, wondering how he was going to give her up. She was born for him. He was born for her. They matched. But how could they? Something had gone wrong.
Over the centuries, whether she had died and been reborn with his soul more than once, perhaps the bond had weakened between them. He hadn’t thought that could happen, but she wasn’t the woman he envisioned, nor, clearly, was he the man she had. That saddened him. He was finding emotions weren’t as easy to cope with as he’d thought they would be. So much time had gone by since he first had lost all feeling that he didn’t remember how much trouble emotion could bring to him.
There was a small flutter in his mind. He had forged a connection to speak to her telepathically, and that pathway remained open between them. He was a little shocked that he could feel her exploring it tentatively.
Why are you so sad?
Her voice sounded soft and warm, stroking at the walls of his mind every bit as intimately as fingers caressing his skin. Lifemates didn’t lie to each other but he didn’t believe he should continually point out his disappointment in her—although once he examined the situation from every angle, he realized the disappointment and embarrassment was with himself. He was too far gone from the modern world and didn’t understand her. He couldn’t change what he was or who he was. His characteristics were ingrained in him. Deeply. He was a leader and he did expect his woman to follow. That wasn’t her fault.
It is of no consequence, but I thank you for your concern.