Myrtle fidgeted in her chair. I figured she had to be a couple of hundred years old like Janet, but she looked like she was about fifteen. Most Demons, like Vampyres, stopped aging somewhere between twenty and thirty, so it was difficult to determine true age. I wasn’t sure why Myrtle looked so young.
“Um . . . well, I enjoy going to Earth and playing dead in public places. When I’m surrounded by humans I take perverse pleasure in jumping up and scaring the fucking shit out of them as they wail in anguish over my perceived death.”
WTF? These Demons were nuts.
“Have you caused any heart attacks or strokes doing this?” Miss Bitchy Shrink grilled Myrtle.
“No, I can’t say I have. A couple of them have wet themselves,” she offered meekly.
“Anything else?”
“Ummm, sure.” I watched Myrtle wrack her brain. “I do enjoy kidnapping people’s dogs and cats. I groom them and dye their fur so they resemble wild animals. I then return them to their rightful owners in the dead of the night. I derive huge amounts of satisfaction watching our citizens walk their tigers, skunks and panda bears around town.”
Everyone was speechless. That had to be one of the weirdest things I’d ever heard.
“Do you ever eat any of the animals you kidnap?” the therapist asked.
“No, I’m a vegetarian,” Myrtle informed the group.
“A vegetarian Demon?” the bitch from hell shrieked, her eyes turning blood red.
Myrtle cowered behind the chair she’d formerly been sitting in. Janet started crying and braiding her beard, Carl looked mighty uncomfortable and Dixie looked like she wanted to do some damage. I suppose a veggie-Demon was an anomaly, but this shrink was a hag.
“I’ve heard of that,” Dixie piped up, ignoring the look of hatred from the therapist. She tried not to fidget, but I could tell she was lying from a mile away. I was actually enjoying myself. These people were fucking crazy. “Those Demons get their protein from soybeans.” Dixie had a captive audience so clearly she decided to elaborate. “I’ve heard of Veggie-Demons destroying thousands of acres of soybean fields on Earth just for an appetizer.” She had to have yanked that whopper right out of her rear end.
Myrtle glanced over at Dixie gratefully. The lovely therapist looked as if she wanted to nail my cousin’s ass to the wall, but she didn’t dare. Dixie might have issues, but she was the head honcho’s daughter. No one was stupid enough to fuck with that . . . or were they?
“Sooo, Your Highness,” the bandaged skank began, “let’s go over your list of problems...or should I say virtues. Shall we?” She laughed wickedly. “You’re a straight A student, you remember birthdays, you clean your room, people describe you as kind, you pioneered the first Meals on Wheels in Hell, you donated a million dollars to feed humans on Earth, and you’re a virgin,” she sneered. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
How on Satan’s Red Earth did she know Dixie was a virgin? Was Dixie a virgin? Wait. That was none of that bitch’s business . . . and why did I even care? I barely knew my cousin, but I was pissed. I glanced around the little bungalow for something to throw at that woman’s already injured head and I felt a dark power and magic run through me. Different from my Vampyre magic. Stop. This was not good. Did Satan send me here so I’d get pissed and turn fully into a Demon? If I pulled on the dark magic and destroyed the therapist would I be permanently stuck in Hell? I took a deep breath and said nothing. Thankfully I didn’t have to. Myrtle stepped in.
“I don’t know about you guys,” Myrtle grunted, “but I’m feeling the need to bust on Dixie’s coffee table and beat the living hell out of our therapist again.”
Carl, Janet and Dixie grinned from ear to ear and I couldn’t suppress the giggle that escaped my lips. Miss Bitchy Pants stood up and backed her way towards the front door.
“All of you, including the Vampyre have to report to the Dark Palace,” she haughtily informed us.
“Now?” Janet asked hopefully. I assumed she hoped to avoid the enforced hair removal she was about to endure.
“No!” Meanie snapped. “This evening. After you get de-haired, you repulsive...”
“Enough,” Carl shouted advancing on the horrid woman. She turned and ran from the house. Like a coward . . . foul, disgusting, bandage covered cowardice hag.
We stood quietly and looked at one another—the Princess, the Strong Man, the soon to be hairless Bearded Lady, Myrtle . . . and me.
Myrtle broke the silence. “So you’re a Vampyre?”
“Apparently,” I answered, hoping she didn’t attack. I kind of liked her and really didn’t want to kill her.
“Cool,” she muttered and the rest of the freak show nodded their approval.
“She’s part Demon too,” Dixie added, giving me a shy smile.
“Very small part,” I explained. “And I need to get home. Soon.”
“I’m sure Daddy will send you home. I think he just wants to know you better.”
“That’s just awesome,” I replied in a voice laced with sarcasm.
“He’s really not that bad when you get to know him,” Dixie said.
“He’s worse,” Myrtle mouthed to me out of Dixie’s line of vision.
Fucking great. This was going to be a good time.
Chapter 4
“Your pockets are talking,” Dixie said as she tossed me a pile of dresses to try on. The therapy crew had left and we had several hours before we had to be back at the estate. From the looks of the clothes my cousin dropped on me, it was a formal affair.