"You could also transport, but if you've never been where you are going that could be dangerous," it said and then giggled. It sounded like it had sucked back a couple of helium balloons. I smiled even though I could soon realize it was the size of a truck and wanted to eat me as a midmorning snack.
"Where are you?" I asked as I took a defensive stance and kept moving my gaze.
"You're silly," it said. "I won't hurt you."
"And I know that how?" I asked and didn't relax one bit.
"Because I'm a Mini Elf. I never lie." Its tinkling giggle was infectious and I had a difficult time keeping a straight face.
What the Hell was a Mini Elf? "Show yourself," I demanded. "Now."
"Keep your pants on, Demon-Vampyre. You could use some manners," it huffed.
Was it male or female? I couldn't tell. However, it was correct. I was being rude. "Please Mini Elf, show yourself. I apologize for being ill mannered."
"Do you promise not to laugh?" it asked.
"Well, with a set up like that I'm not sure, but I'll do my best." I crossed my fingers and prayed to my Uncle God. The truth shall set you free or get you eaten by a Mini Elf.
"I suppose that will have to do," it said primly. "Normally I don't show myself. It's not good for my self-esteem and my therapist suggested I live in hiding the rest of my life. Do you know how difficult it is to live without the interaction of others for nine hundred years?" it wailed.
"Um, no. Why don't you describe your looks, so I have a chance to compose myself before your big reveal. That might be better for both of us."
"Hmmm…" Everything the Mini Elf said sounded like a song. "That is a very fair and compassionate idea, Vampyre-Demon spawn."
"I have a name."
"So do I," it shot back as peals of laughter escaped from its little, I assumed and hoped, mouth. "Are we at that point in our relationship where we exchange monikers?"
"Good point." I was going to tell the thing my name was Pink anyway. "Describe yourself. Please."
"Very well." It sighed wearily. "I am the most beautiful being in the universe."
"Conceited much?" I mumbled.
"It's true," it huffed in its high-pitched tiny voice. "It sucks looking like I do. Everyone wants a piece of me. I was trapped in a motherfucking Genie bottle for three hundred and fifty-seven shit eating years. That ugly ass fat bastard of a Genie would take me out everyday and pet me with his smelly hands and beg for wishes."
"Oookay, I have a couple of questions and one comment."
"Go ahead."
"Well, I always assumed Genies granted wishes. Am I wrong?"
"Never assume. Makes an ass out of you and me. Genies are stupid and powerless unless they were born on a full moon on the thirteenth of the month of November. Oh, and I killed that asshat so good once I was able to conjure up a machete and a semi-automatic rifle with silver bullets. "
The giggling was making me grin despite the realization that the tiny thing was an insane killer.
"Noted. I'm having a hard time figuring out whether to call you dude or dudette. Your voice is kind of high and I don't want to insult you." Actually, I just didn't want to die by machete.
"Dudette will suffice."
"Great. Now, what's with the sailor mouth? I'm trying to quit swearing because my kid repeats everything I say. If we're going to be friends you'll have to curb the language." I fell to the ground as a violent migraine shot through my frontal lobe. Motherfucker, I did have a foul mouth. The Kev and Ethan were correct. I tried to stop swearing because my son or daughter was mimicking me. Why couldn't I picture more? Why did it all have to come back in disjointed pieces? This sucked donkey butt. Gradually the pain subsided and I open my eyes.
Oh. My. Hell. I was face to face with a miniature angel that must have fallen from the Heavens. She was exquisite. Each feature was perfect. Flowing blonde locks, porcelain skin, huge lavender eyes and dimples I had the distinct desire to pinch. She couldn't have been more than three inches high and her tiny peach dress sparkled in the sun.
"Dudette, you are really lovely," I whispered in awe as the headache receded completely.
"What happened there, Vampyre-Demon spawn?" she asked as her tiny stunning brows wrinkled in worry.
"I'm having a few little memory issues. Each time a piece comes back it hurts like a fucking motherfucker," I explained as I carefully sat up.
"Hmmm…and you take issue with my mouth?" she demanded and then giggled like a loon.
"I know," I admitted and tried to bite back my grin. "Yes, I have a potty mouth problem too. How about this? Let's just limit the word fuck to four times a day. Bastard, ass, bitch and Hell don't count because they have other meanings. You in?"
"You know dick also means private investigator. Can we say that?"
She was pretty and smart. "Sound good to me."
"Back to the fucks," she said in a business-like manner. "Do we each get four or is it divided? You get two fucks and I get two fucks?"
"We each get four fucks," I told her. She nodded her satisfaction. "However, I am reserving my right for unlimited fucks today since I have to go rescue some people and kill some others."
"Can I come? I love killing things," she squealed with a gleam in her purple eyes that made me a little nervous.