"Can you sing?" Martha asked.
"Martha, shut your piehole. I have to think."
"No, seriously Boobs, can you sing?" she asked again. I was so close to zapping her ass.
"I'm fairly sure the future of the world is at stake and you’re asking me if I can sing?" I rolled my eyes and banged my head on the bars.
"Listen to her," Jane insisted.
"Fine. No. No, I can't sing," I said as I began to pace the small cell.
"We're fucked," Jane groaned.
"No shit, Sherlock," I snapped. "Wait. What are you talking about?"
"We cut a deal. If we win American Idol tonight we get our freedom. If we lose we get decapitated," Jane told me with a delighted smile on her face. "I was thinking you could join us if you could sing. We're doing our Prince medley."
She was insanity personified.
"Well, it was nice knowing you. I have to get out of here." I rattled the bars of the cell and realized it was warded with some pretty fucked up magic. How did I let a wimpy Fairy lock me in a cell? "When I get out of here I'm gonna kill The Reggie so dead, there will be nothing left of him."
"But he's our boyfriend," Martha protested. "He's one of the good guys."
"No," I said in a voice that would probably cause them nightmares for the next century or so. "He is not a good guy. He just signed a death warrant for Ethan, the baby and possibly The Kev."
"Well, fuck me running naked through Times Square on New Year’s Eve," Jane wailed. "That assjacket had us fooled. Do you think the shit weasel was using us?"
"Don't know. Don't care," I said. "Stand back. I'm busting us out of here."
"Hell to the yeah," Martha cheered. "I'm gonna remove that Fairy's pecker with a dull butter knife."
"Awesome," I muttered as I pulled up magic from deep inside. Black glitter covered my arms and chest and flaming green sparks flew from my fingertips. Jane and Martha cowered in the corner as I aimed at the lock and fired.
Nothing.
"What the Hell?" I ran to the lock and examined it. It was as if nothing had blasted it. My gut clenched and my fury grew. I backed up, gritted my teeth and tried again. Sparks and bursts of purple fire bounced off the walls as we all ducked to avoid frying to a crisp.
Nothing.
This wasn't happening. I thought I was a True Immortal. I was one of the most powerful magical beings in the universe and I couldn't break out of a prison cell?
"Why can't I break it?"
"Dude, you're not at full power because you don't have all of your memory," Susu said as she floated into the cell through the bars.
"Where in the Hell have you been?" I demanded. "I could have used a little help."
"I went to say hi to The Dave." She was ashen faced and ashamed. "I am so sorry."
"What are you and what the Hell can you do?" Jane asked as she examined Susu with narrowed eyes.
"I'm a Mini Elf. I like to kill things and eat them," she said as Martha and Jane quickly backed up and hid behind me. "No worries." Susu giggled. "I only eat bad guys. Big ones."
"Oh…well, in that case, nice to meet you," Jane said as she dropped into what I assumed was a curtsy, but looked more like someone taking a dump.
"What else can you do?" Martha asked as she mimicked her friend's squat and crap move.
"I can change anything visual—color, shape, size. I can also blow up the world."
"Impressive," Martha said. "Problem solved, Knockers Houllihan."
"I assume you're talking to me," I said as I poked and prodded the lock. There had to be a way to break it.
"Yep. Susu can get you and your tremendous bosoms out of here."
"By eating you or blowing up the world?" I inquired in exasperation.
"Nope, by shrinking you to her size. She can do visual fucking voodoo."
I froze. The old bat was brilliant. Susu's eyes lit up and she began to turn flips.
"Can you get us out of here?"
"Yes," she squealed. "I think I can."
"We'll stay here," Martha said. "They'll be coming to get us for the competition soon, and if we're gone, it will cause more motherfucking trouble than it's worth. I'm pretty sure no one but that traitorous shitball The Reggie even knows you're here."
"When did you grow a brain?" I asked as I gaped at her.
"Good one, Jugs McBoobalicious." She chuckled and curtsy crapped again.
"One quick question," I said to Susu. "Can you make me big again after we get out?"
"I'm ninety seven percent sure that I can."
I paused for only a brief moment. "I can live with those odds. Shrink me. Now."
And she did.
Chapter 17
Playing with dolls is fun. Being one? Not so much. If your child ever finds a Genie in a bottle flush it immediately. Many children wish for things that are very difficult to reverse…like being doll sized. If this happens, move to Oz. There are many people of small stature there. And yes, it really does exist.
I giggled as I looked at my tiny hands. I was amazed and thankful that my clothes had shrunk too. Being naked and three inches tall was not my idea of a good time. We flew north through the park, headed for the Palace. Susu had decided we should stay small for a bit. She was positive it would be easier to get into the Grand Fun Palace and we could get around quickly to scope out our plan. I pushed the nagging worry that Susu was terrified that she couldn't make me normal size again to the far recesses of my mind. I'd cross that bridge, hopefully never.