Home > A Fashionably Dead Christmas (Hot Damned #5)(4)

A Fashionably Dead Christmas (Hot Damned #5)(4)
Author: Robyn Peterman

Slowly he slid my around-the-house sexy little red Prada sweater dress up over my bottom and cupped my rear end with firm and educated hands. I was the luckiest undead girl in the world.

My hand found its way into his jeans and I grasped my prize. I sank my fangs into his neck and his body tightened with need. His moan sent my lower region into overdrive.

“Should we lock the door?” Ethan asked as he made short work of his shirt.

His fangs had dropped and I quickly whipped my dress over my head. I’d learned the hard way that with a toddler you had to move fast. Maybe I should leave my dress on. It would be easier to pretend we were just wrestling if we got caught.

Nah. I was freakin’ horny and wanted the whole shebang. Pun intended.

“That door doesn’t lock… and anyway Sammy’s napping. If we… ”

“Me can put chair in front of door,” Samuel announced happily from the entryway. “Can me play too?”

“Holy shitbuckles,” I squealed as I accidentally kneed Ethan right in his man jewels.

I’d never dressed so quickly in my life. Ethan rolled away with his nuts now residing somewhere in his stomach. I hopped up so fast that I went flying into a chair.

“Shitbuckles,” my child yelled gleefully.

From my sprawled position over the chair, I closed my eyes and groaned. I was trying so fucking hard not to swear in front of him, but this situation merited a few naughty words.

“Hi, little guy,” Ethan croaked out in a tight voice.

He was still in the fetal position on the floor and I felt awful.

“It was an accident,” I whispered to him. “I love your balls. I would never harm them.”

His pained chuckle was a relief. I hoped to God I hadn’t damaged his spectacular package too much. I was going to need it as soon as we could find a room with a lock.

“Mommy thought you were napping,” I said as I righted myself and yanked my dress down over my naked ass.

“Me was… and then Gamma Gigi called,” Samuel explained as he tore across the room and jumped into my open arms. “She come and play tonight! And she say she got me big present.”

“No, baby. Gigi comes tomorrow—on Christmas day—like everyone else,” I told him as I cuddled my little man on the couch.

I kept my arms around him so he couldn’t dive bomb his still recovering father.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy,” Samuel said with a shake of his head so reminiscent of Ethan I had to giggle. “Gigi say she change her plans! Her and Uncle Devildude come tonight.”

I was no longer giggling. I was freaking.

Gigi, my grandmother, was better known to the world as Mother Nature—the most beautiful insane woman in the Universe. Her tantrums were legendary along with her pole dancing skills. And Uncle Devildude was Satan—both my uncle and a high maintenance pain in the ass. Yes, he was lovely to behold, but he was also a shifty troublemaker.

This couldn’t be happening. I still had presents to wrap—well, not wrap—I was less adept than Ethan was at that. Instead, I’d bought festive bags with semi-clad Santas on them from a naughty online site. I’d bought sweet bags too—for the more pious side of my family. I couldn’t imagine Uncle God or Cousin Jesus finding Santa’s butt cheeks amusing.

And I had to get food in for those that ate and the blood laced scotch for those who didn’t.

Shitshitshitshit. It would just figure the craziest part of my family would arrive early.

“Mother fu… bar… blobbityflonk,” I stuttered, swallowing the words I truly wanted to use.

These days Samuel was cursing like a sailor and I had no one to blame but myself… well and Pam… and very possibly the Baby Demons.

“Me will name my baboon—Blobbityflonk,” Samuel told me with a sly grin.

“Honey, I love you more than anything in the whole world, but you are not getting a goddaaaauurrn baboon for Christmas. Baboons need jungles to live in,” I said grateful for my second save of the afternoon.

“No prowblem,” Sammy said as he raised his chunky little arms in the air.

“No!” Ethan said sternly. He gingerly stood and gently placed Samuel’s arms back at his sides. “You cannot turn the Cressida House into a jungle. Vampyres like rooms with furniture and bedrooms.”

“Okay,” Samuel said, dejected by his father’s commands. “Me no make jungle.”

“Good boy,” I said as I hugged him tight. “Can you go play with Venus for a little while? I need to prepare for the rude mother fuckers who plan to arrive before they were invited.”

“Yes, Mommy. Should me change my clothes for the wude mother fuckers?” he asked seriously as he examined his Star Wars t-shirt and matching underoos.

I slapped my hand over my offensive mouth. Ethan just shook his head and winced. I was a potty-mouthed menace and should be punished. Only problem was, there was no time.

“Why don’t you simply put on some pants?” Ethan suggested. “That should be good enough.”

“Okay. Me can do that.” Samuel nodded as he scampered out of the room. He paused at the door. “Mommy do you need me underpants?”

“Um… no. Why?”

“Because you forget yours. Me saw your butt when me came in.”

Ethan’s bark of laughter made me want to knee his nuts all the way to his esophagus. The only thing that stopped me was my generous, underpants-sharing little boy who was still waiting for my answer. Plus I was sure it would be bad parenting to have him witness the castration of his father.

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