Damn it, no one even flinched.
“Well, I’m good with that,” Spike said, clapping his hands together. “Are we done here?”
“Absolutely not,” Mary hissed. “We’ve not come all this way to leave after five minutes. Our people have other issues as well.”
“Let me guess, Harry… the wedding and the division of wealth,” I said.
“And the child,” Mary said silkily, ignoring the fact that I’d just called her by a man’s name.
“What about the child?” Ethan demanded making the guests blanch.
“Many don’t believe he could possibly exist, darling,” Mary recovered and went on talking to my mate as if they were the only two people in the room.
Darling? WTF? That was so not working for me. She was messing with the wrong chick. Ethan was no one’s darling except mine. Furthermore, I was going to have a serious chat with my mate right after we got rid of our guests. If he’d popped her sometime within his five hundred and twenty-two years on this earth, he was losing panty privileges for the foreseeable future for not making me aware of the disgusting fact.
Her posture and the way she batted her long lashes at him made me want to flick my fingers and singe the hair off of her gorgeous head, but that would be childish. I could do far better than that.
“Well, Larry, it’s quite easy to understand. Ethan and I screwed. A lot. And it was awesome because he’s hung like a horse. In fact, right before you got here, we had a quickie—on the chair you’re sitting in, which was wildly satisfying. So like I said, we had an enormous amount of very aerobic sex, and since I’m the Chosen One, I got knocked up. The end,” I explained sarcastically.
Mary practically jumped out of her chair and Pam’s loud cackle filled the room. I refused to glance back at Ethan because I was mad at him. I knew he’d had a life before me, but I would have liked a little heads up that he’d done the nasty with Mary-Scary-Larry-Harry.
“Venus, would you please have Samuel brought in? I’d like to him meet our esteemed guests Spike, Francisco, Trudy and Skank,” I said in such a pleasant tone that the butchering of their names almost went unnoticed—or maybe they were still digesting the fact that some nookie had taken place recently.
“Yes, my Liege,” Venus said as her eyes danced with mirth.
“It will just be a moment folks,” I said as I made myself comfortable and avoided Ethan’s gaze, which I could feel boring into my back. I still didn’t like him. “Samuel is a delightful child, but watch what you say. He has a habit of changing the color of people’s skin.”
The open mouthed expressions of horror from Mary and Trista were all kinds of awesome, but the best was yet to come…
That’s when the foul-mouthed penguins brought my son into the room.
Chapter 6
“Nuns are raising your child?” Trista demanded, completely outraged. “Immortals are as unholy as they come.”
“Speak for yourself,” Pam muttered, insulted.
“Seriously? Nuns?” Mary sneered as she examined Samuel with far too much interest for my liking from across the room.
My family was as surprised as the four unwelcome guests at the entrance of the ancient Sisters, but amazingly kept their faces poker straight.
I loved my weird family.
“Looks that way,” I answered as I made the sign of the cross and bowed to the warily confused Martha and Jane. “Sister Martha and Sister Jane, our guests don’t believe that Samuel is Ethan’s and my son.”
I took my nine-month old baby who was roughly the size of a small five year old from the arms of Jane and covered his face in kisses. His giggle made the world right in an instant, even though much of it seemed to be spiraling out of control.
“What kind of bull-honkey horseshit is that?” Martha demanded as she slapped her bony hands on her habit-covered hips. “That boy is definitely your child. He cusses like a damned sailor and is the spittin’ image of his daddy.”
“You got that right. He called Sister Martha here an asshat-douchecanoe not even five minutes ago,” Jane volunteered with a thumbs-up to my child.
This wasn’t going exactly as I’d envisioned, but nothing did when Martha and Jane were involved. I would have preferred to keep my potty mouth under wraps, but at least our guests were thrown off their game. Maybe we could knock them left of center enough to figure out if they were involved in the portal mess.
“Exactly what kind of nuns are you?” Trista inquired as she crossed her arms over her ample chest and pursed her lips in a revolting duckface.
There was a short uncomfortable silence while I racked my brain and tried to remember a name of an order, but unfortunately the old bags beat me to it.
“Republican,” Jane announced to the now stunned silent group. “We’re Republican nuns from the order of…”
“Bushjeb,” Martha finished with a curt nod.
“It’s a secret order,” Pam explained with a pious expression.
As Pam was an Angel, there was very little the distrusting Vamps could argue. I wasn’t quite sure how my family kept straight faces. It was all I could do not to squeal with laughter.
“But they’re Vampyres,” Francisco spoke up for the first time. “I have never in my four hundred years come across an undead nun.”
“Yes, well there’s a first time for everything,” Ethan said tightly as he went to escort our un-holy nannies from the room. “Sister Martha and Sister Jane, your presence is no longer required. You’re dismissed.”