She nodded, avoiding his gaze. “I’m well aware.”
7
Itold him the truth, Elisabeta. It was the most difficult thing I can recall ever doing, Julija confessed in a little rush. I’m so glad I have you to talk things over with. Just telling him made me feel so sick, once he left, I had to vomit. It was that bad. I was terrified he would look at me and feel disgusted. When I look in the mirror, that’s how I feel.
There was a small silence and Julija held her breath. Elisabeta flowed into her mind, stronger than Julija had ever experienced with her before. Maybe Isai was right and Elisabeta needed someone to want her help.
I assume you told Isai why you are afraid to trust him with your heart.
I did. He’s been good to me other than the, you know . . . spanking thing. That was annoying. And it did hurt whether he thinks so or not. He’s strong.
Mostly it hurt your pride.
Wouldn’t it yours? Julija demanded.
I would have welcomed a spanking, sister. Sergey was very cruel.
Julija was silent for a long time, gathering her courage. In comparison to what Elisabeta had been put through, she felt her horrible experiences didn’t count, but Isai had told her perhaps not only did she need to tell Elisabeta the details, but her friend really did need to be needed. Already she could feel that was so.
Elisabeta was silent, waiting for her to decide. Elisabeta never pushed. Never insisted. In the end, because there was no one demanding, because she had to make the decision, Julija told her everything. The horrifying details that shamed her. The revulsion of being made a subject in Barnabas’s classes for others to see. How the torture worsened when she refused to comply and kill someone.
There were times when the spells burned her from the inside out and she couldn’t distance herself from what was happening to her. Those times she feared the most, feared she would give in and harm an innocent. Once, they tried to convince her that she had, and, although she was certain they were lying to her, there was a part of her that feared it might have happened. That was the worst, to think she could have sacrificed another being in order to stop her own suffering.
Julija didn’t realize she was weeping until she felt Elisabeta surround her with comfort.
Most of those living on earth are made up of balances. Good and evil. Or dark and light. When my lifemate was born, his soul was split in half and he ended up with all darkness, his and mine, while I received his light to safeguard. I had my own light as well. He became a hunter of the vampire. I am incapable of becoming vampire. As are you. There is no way you would have killed an innocent, Julija. It would be impossible.
I feel like I could kill those coming after the book, Julija admitted.
That is different. Those hunting the book are not innocent. Their intentions are to harm others, and the book will allow them to do that. You might protect yourself or those you love, but you wouldn’t just kill indiscriminately. Once you allow your lifemate to claim you, the balance is restored. In any case, until your lifemate claims you, it will be difficult.
Julija didn’t like that at all. She needed to be able to defend herself and to help Isai. Are you really going to allow your lifemate to claim you? Are you that certain that he will make you happy?
I am that certain that I can make him happy if he gives me time. Lifemates will always give their other half what they need.
Julija didn’t think Elisabeta sounded as sure as she wanted to sound. She was every bit as frightened of her future as Julija was. I kind of like him, she admitted reluctantly, but it could be just because he’s the nicest anyone other than you has been to me.
You do? Elisabeta encouraged.
He’s pretty hot as men go. I hope your lifemate is hot for you.
What is “hot”?
Attractive. You can’t resist him physically. Gorgeous.
Amusement flooded her mind. That felt good. Elisabeta didn’t often portray laughter to her.
Of course I will find him attractive—um—hot. He is my lifemate. There is no other for me—or for you. Should Isai not claim you, you will never be satisfied with another, Julija.
Sadly, Julija was afraid Elisabeta was right. She was beginning to look forward to his return far more than she should have been. She definitely didn’t like the separation. The two cats were pressing close to her, so she dropped her hands into their sleek fur and massaged their necks while she thought about Isai. Was it really so bad to have a partner? Would he be a partner, or would he turn on her?
How can you trust anyone again? Sergey was your friend. He wasn’t vampire when he came to you, yet you’re still willing to trust a man—a complete stranger at that—with your life. How do you do it?
I am still in the ground. There was shame in Elisabeta’s mind.
That admission humbled Julija. She saw courage in the other woman, while Elisabeta thought herself a coward, yet she was determined to rise and allow a complete stranger to claim her, a selfless act, to save her lifemate. Julija tried to tell herself that Elisabeta would do so because she’d been trained from birth to do just that—give herself up for a man—but she knew better. Elisabeta had been taken captive as a young teenager by a Carpathian male, one she’d trusted. One she’d believed to be her friend. Just like Barnabas had taken her, only Julija had been an adult.
She closed her eyes and leaned forward to bury her face in Belle’s fur. Sometimes, Elisabeta, I don’t know why someone as extraordinary as you would have me as a friend. I’m so selfish. Really. I want him, but the dream seems too good to be true. I’ve never had anything in my life be good. Everything that looked that way has been illusion. Sometimes, when I look at him, I wonder if I conjured him up—or if my father did.
The moment the thought was out of her head and into Elisabeta’s her entire body began to shake. She had let out her worst fear when she’d guarded it so carefully. Elisabeta, my father could do this. He is good at illusions. She hadn’t wanted to examine the idea too closely to tip her father off that she knew what he’d done.
There was quiet. Stillness. Elisabeta thought things over carefully. She didn’t just blurt out a denial, she examined the possibility from every angle.
He would create illusions of my mother coming to me when I was just a child. Sometimes I thought I would go insane wondering if he’d really killed her or if that was the illusion and he held her prisoner somewhere. I remember being a child and whispering all my secrets to my mother, all my fears, and of course, it was my father. I learned not to trust anything or anyone. Especially if they were nice to me.
Your lifemate spanked you.
He had done that. Would her father ever have risked that? Anatolie had never spanked her as a child. He was far subtler than that. Far crueler. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the one thing she was furious with Isai over was the one thing proving him to be real? She rubbed her cheek in Belle’s fur and then sat up, looking toward the slight crack leading to outside. She realized she wanted him to come back.
I can’t stop thinking about him, and that makes me more afraid than ever. I don’t like feeling like a coward.
Again, soft amusement flooded her mind. You are chasing after a spell book that could kill off an entire species as well as change the balance of power in the world if allowed into the wrong hands. I do not think you can call yourself a coward, Julija.
She could never live through the humiliation of giving herself, her body, her heart and soul to another man and have him be an illusion. It would break her. Totally break her. Sometimes she felt held together by the thinnest of threads. She couldn’t imagine what life was like for Elisabeta.
There was a faint stirring in her mind and she knew immediately Isai had connected with her. She held her breath and willed Elisabeta not to say anything more.
Are you all right? You feel . . . upset.
It was the last thing she expected him to say. She could feel his worry and it felt genuine. The way he came into her mind, pouring in slowly—like molasses, gently, so as to give her time to shut him out—that alone made her heart flutter. She was so susceptible to him. The way his voice was so intimate, stroking along the walls of her mind. He felt strong and protective—something she’d never known. Could her father be capable of such an illusion? She doubted if he had knowledge of such caring. Of such sweetness.
Sívamet? Now I am really worried. You are afraid.
She was. Of him. Of taking a chance. Of letting someone into her life when they could tear her to shreds. I am fine.
You are sad.
So true. She was sad. Sad for herself. Sad for Elisabeta. Even sad for both their lifemates. She tried to live her life in a positive manner, but she didn’t know how to handle the present situation.
She had to give him something. Some truth. Even if he wasn’t real—and she suspected he truly was—he deserved truth just for making her feel as if he cared about her. I need to know you’re real.
There was a brief silence. You believe I am an illusion? Sent to you by this Barnabas? By your father?
She remained silent, afraid to think or move, frozen, paralyzed by her inability to know for certain.
I am on my way. There was decisiveness in his tone.
Abruptly he was gone, and she let out her breath, not realizing she’d been holding it. Elisabeta? She could still feel her friend, so still and quiet. What do you think?
He is very real. He is Carpathian. No mage could possibly produce that.
There it was. Confirmation. Julija didn’t know whether or not to be relieved, because now she actually had to make up her mind. Already, she’d insulted him and made him think poorly of her as a lifemate. He couldn’t possibly understand what her life had been like and why she’d been so terrified of ever opening herself up to trusting anyone, let alone the enemy. And she’d been led to believe Carpathians were the enemy. She just hadn’t believed an entire species could be.
I know you have to go. It was difficult to maintain their connection over so long a distance. Elisabeta was very powerful, whether she believed she was or not. I really appreciate you being my friend. She needed one. Desperately.