Home > Fashionably Dead in Diapers (Hot Damned #4)(16)

Fashionably Dead in Diapers (Hot Damned #4)(16)
Author: Robyn Peterman

"Works for me," I said, wondering if Sammy's tutors would survive each other, not to mention my son…"So any questions?"

The Baby Demons raised their hands excitedly.

"That don't have to do with boobies or touching butts…"

Their hands went down.

"Great. I'll make out a schedule and email it to everyone. I'd prefer you guys come to us until we know Sammy has more of a grip on his, um…skills."

"Can I take the animals home to Nirvana?" Mother Nature asked as she peeked through the cages at the lions and monkeys.

"Yes," Ethan and I shouted at the same time.

"That would be wonderful," I added gratefully.

"Then we're off," Satan said grandly as he gave me, Sammy and his daughter Dixie quick hugs. "I'd also like to thank whomever left the Trolls and Gnomes in Purgatory for me. They completely destroyed half of that stinky place before the piped in music caused them to explode. God had an absolute fit. It was lovely."

I glanced over at The Kev who shrugged and grinned.

Holy Hell on a flaming stick. My life was anything but boring.

Chapter 6

Playtime with your child is educational and beneficial. A parent should set aside time to play with their child daily. However, keep in mind that fun and games can quickly turn to tantrums and tears.

"No. The answer is no," I said firmly. I slapped a full house down on the table and grinned. "You owe me a hundred bucks."

"Son of a bitch," Martha groused as she threw her cards at me. "I think you cheat." She pulled some twenties out of her cleavage and I almost threw up in my mouth.

"Is that the only cash you have?" I asked, disgusted.

"Yep," she grunted, knowing full well I wouldn't touch her sweaty boob money. "Jane has some in her underpants too."

"Oh. My. Hell," I griped. "You're disgusting."

"How about we play for supervised visitation rights?" Jane bargained.

I had forbidden them from seeing Sammy after the babysitting debacle. They were so depressed and pitiful about it, I stupidly invited them to game night to cheer their asses up. Clearly, it wasn't working, but that was just too bad. I glanced around the room and giggled. The Kev and Gemma were playing Twister that looked like foreplay and Pam and the King were in an intense and profane game of Scrabble. Venus and several Vamps were playing a very serious and deadly game of Monopoly and Ethan was engrossed in the directions of Candy Land in preparation for playing with Samuel when he woke up. Motherhumper, that was hot. Any man who would study Candy Land for his child like it was the Holy Grail deserved a thirty minute blow job.

"You ladies, and I use that term loosely, fucked up. Most of Purgatory is gone due to your explicit descriptions of Gnomes and Trolls and my toilets are backed up with Zombie dust. I have considered flushing your heads, but the thought of your hair anywhere in my bathroom is nightmare inducing. So the answer is still no."

"What if we said we were going to give your name and address to the Jehovah's Witnesses and tell them that it's your dream to join because you think birthdays and Christmas suck ass?" Martha said slyly, thinking she had me.

"Is that all you got?" I snorted. "How about if I tell the local paper that you ladies are hermaphrodites who believe in gay marriage, gun control and higher taxes on corporations?"

"Low blow, Titty McBoobyhatch," Jane grumbled.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," Jane said with admiration. "Will you keep us away from him forever?"

She fiddled with her hair and I noticed it moved dangerously to the left, leaving a rather large bald spot on the right. Holy Hell, she was bald and the nest on her head was a wig. Normally I would have jumped on that shit like white on rice, but she looked so pathetic at the moment I didn't have the heart.

I looked at the two heinous old bags dressed in hot pink workout gear trimmed in green faux fur and I caved. Why did I feel sorry for them? They were horrid, but I knew they truly loved Sammy and he'd been asking about them constantly. Maybe I would take their voice boxes during their visits…

"If you two can behave I will let you have a fifteen minute supervised visit with Samuel later this week," I said, regretting every word as it left my mouth. Ethan's groan and eye roll didn't help much, but the looks of joy on Martha and Jane's faces made me feel good. "I will supervise and I will kill you dead if you screw up again."

"Sounds fair," Martha said.

"You drive a hard bargain, Knockers Mcboobtastic," Jane grumbled. "But we accept. We are going to give him singing lessons."

"Um…" I had heard them sing. They were convinced they were going to compete on American Idol. They were smoking crack.

"We've been working up a medley of Prince and I do believe we've found our calling. I sing a mother fucking killer rendition of “Raspberry Beret” and Jane absolutely nails the shit out of “Purple Rain” and “1999”."

"I'm going to be sick," Ethan muttered from across the room.

"It will be fine," I said, trying to convince myself more than him. "There will be…"

The explosion was violent and completely unexpected. We weren't at war with anyone at the moment as far as I knew, but clearly I didn't know shit. The windows blew out and shards of glass shot through the room like machine gun bullets. Blood splattered the walls and all of my friends went into action. Blazing pink fires billowed and screams like I'd never heard pierced the air as I winced and clapped my hands over my ears.

   
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