“Sweet Universe on fire,” Mother Nature said gleefully. “He tried that in the seventies. It was a no go then too. He doesn’t like to admit it, but my dear son is tone deaf.”
“That’s quite enough, Mother, ” Satan grumbled as he flicked a pile of red ornamental balls off the table sending them crashing to the floor.
Without a thought I aimed and fired. The zap to my uncle’s ass was loud and satisfying. However, the appalled silence in the room after the fact—including mine—was scary.
Satan was frozen like a statue—an angry frightening statue from Hell.
“Um… sorry,” I muttered, wondering if I was going to be alive to celebrate the holidays. “I did warn you about messing up my stuff.”
My words came out like a strangled croak.
Ethan stood and quickly shielded my body with his.
Shitbrainsfuckballs.
“Bravo! That was outstanding,” Mother Nature yelled. “Satan—if you retaliate, I will take back your birthday.”
“How? Can you really do that?” he asked.
Glittering black magic floated around him and I stepped out from behind my mate. It was my bad and Ethan would not suffer due to my itchy fingers.
“Yes. I’m Mother fucking Nature,” she replied airily. “I can do whatever I want.”
“Hmmmm… I’ve grown quite fond of the April first date.” Satan paused dramatically and considered. “Astrid, you’re safe this time. But since you burned a hole in a five thousand dollar pair of pants, and possibly scarred my perfect ass, I get to enhance four of your Christmas decorations.”
I didn’t trust the wicked gleam in his eyes.
“How in the Hell did your pants cost five thousand dollars?” I stared doubtfully at his pants. He was so full of shit.
“They’re custom,” he replied.
“Oh, well alright then,” I said, now understanding. He was a bigger clothes whore than I was.
But back to the matter at hand.
If I didn’t agree to allow Satan to enhance four of my decorations, there was a fine chance the entire room would end up black. A fourth of it was destroyed anyway. What did a few more changes matter?
Shitshitshit. I never should have zapped him.
I was actually getting off pretty easy considering I’d marred the Devil.
“Okay. Only four things,” I told him warily. “And you can’t touch the tree. Samuel loves it.”
“That works for me,” he said with a smile that made me tingle all over and not in a good way.
Slowly he walked around the room and examined the décor. His eye rolling and snorts of disgust made me nervous. It would take Hell freezing over for me to ever host a holiday again. This was turning into a massive clusterfuck and it had barely begun.
It took the Devil twenty-three minutes and seventeen seconds to choose his prey. And true to his word—he enhanced them. He enhanced them to the point they should be put away for Halloween or burned in a bonfire.
My once beautiful wreath over the mantle now sported naked big-breasted angels with mohawks and evil red eyes.
The life-sized nutcracker now owned a boner.
The Elf on the Shelf resembled Medusa with heinous snakes coming out of every orifice.
And the star on the top of the tree was now a headless bloody Demon.
“There. I think everything looks much better this way,” Satan said with a shrug and a lopsided grin.
“And I think your taste sucks,” I replied. “You weren’t supposed to touch the tree.”
“I didn’t,” he said innocently. “I fixed your star. It’s far more riveting this way.”
I shook my head and gave the equivalent of a put upon sigh for someone who couldn’t breathe. “You done?”
“For now,” he said.
“Fair’s fair,” I shot back. “You ruin one more thing and I shrink your pants so your nuts end up in your throat.”
Satan’s laugh of pure pleasure made me giggle. Sadly the niece apple didn’t fall all that far from the uncle tree.
“Astrid, you continue to delight me,” he bellowed. “Now I’d like to see my boy. I have a present for him.”
“Is it alive?” Ethan asked warily.
“Absolutely not,” Satan replied, offended. “I’m far more responsible than my mother. It’s a Ouija board that talks.”
“Fucking wonderful,” Ethan muttered as he stared at the ceiling and appeared to be praying for patience.
I was going to owe my mate too many blowjobs to count to make up for the debacle I had been hoping to call a family Christmas.
“Alrighty then,” I said in a voice that barely passed for civil. “Let’s go find my son and the baboon.”
“Samuel named him Blobbityflonk!” Mother Nature announced with pride as she floated out of the room.
“I love it,” Satan yelled as he followed his mother. “The boy is brilliant.”
“This is going to be a long damn twenty-four hours,” Ethan stated the obvious as we slowly left the now ugly room.
“That’s an understatement,” I said miserably. “A huge fucking understatement.”
I glanced backwards and made eye contact with one of the butt-ass naked angels on my wreath. For a brief moment I was sure she winked at me. I closed my eyes and looked again. She was still. Obviously, I needed a nap in a big way.
Chapter 5
“What the fuck is going on in here?” I shouted as I entered my son’s nursery.