“Exactly what they’re doing,” I mumbled.
Gigi’s other granddaughters were The Seven Deadly Sins—daughters of Satan and cousins of mine along with my beloved Dixie—who wasn’t a sin at all. The Sins were Facebook obsessed narcissists and fairly evil to the core. A few had even tried to kill me.
“You’re correct as always, dear,” Gigi said. “Shall we go shopping now?”
“As much as it pains me to say no—and it truly pains me,” I said as I stared morosely at my closet full of worthless clothing, shoes and bags. “I don’t have time today. I’ll just wear what I have on.”
My sweater dress was cute, festive, and only slightly damp from the rainstorm. It would simply have to do. However, I was still without panties. Not good. I refused to ask another female Vampyre in the compound to borrow their grundies. Far too many explanations would have to accompany that request. My son’s underoos would be beyond obscene.
I really had only one barely acceptable option. It wasn’t pretty, but my naked butt was more unacceptable.
“Ethan, would you get me a pair of your boxer briefs please?” I asked with closed eyes and a slight wince.
“Sure. What color?” he inquired.
I could hear the amusement in his voice, and kept my eyes firmly shut. It would be very un-Christmas like to zap a hole in his ass for laughing at my misery. No, I was going to stay in the holiday spirit even if it fucking killed me, which it might.
“I think gray would look best with my dress,” I replied tersely.
“I agree, dear.” Mother Nature nodded her head and then quickly made the international zip the lip motion when I shot her a glare that was evidently frightening to even the oldest of the immortals.
Marching out of what used to be my sacred Dojo, I snatched the underwear out of Ethan’s hands and pulled them on. They were huge—huge enough to fit his man parts and too huge for my ass. Okay. No fucking problem. I was resourceful.
Grabbing a ponytail holder from the stash on my bedside table, I bunched the excess undie material in the front and wrapped the elastic band around the wad of fabric. My ass was now safe from most of the world’s eyes. I told myself that was all that mattered.
“Here’s the deal,” I said in a tone that dared anyone to question me. I was clearly hanging on by a thread. “We are going to Samuel’s room and getting rid of the baboon. Gigi, you will take complete responsibility for this.”
“Um… okay. What exactly do I tell him?” she asked with pursed lips and arched brows.
I could tell she was about to throw a fit, but it was abundantly clear my tantrum was closer to the surface. My grandmother, being smart for once, stayed calm-ish.
“I don’t know. How about you tell him you stole the baboon from the zoo and you’ll go to jail for the rest of eternity unless he’s returned. Just lie,” I snapped.
“But that’s not a lie,” she mumbled as she dropped her gaze and frantically brushed imaginary lint off of her dress.
“What do you mean? You fucking stole a baboon from the zoo?” I demanded.
“Yes. I was running short on time and didn’t want to disappoint him,” she huffed. “You can’t just buy a baboon at Macys, Astrid.”
“Oh my God,” I moaned and ran my hands through my hair in despair. “Is everyone planning on stealing presents for Samuel for Christmas?”
“Of course not. You’re Uncle God wouldn’t steal a candy bar,” Mother Nature chastised. “But you should really leave him out of this.”
“What in the Hell are you talking about?” I snapped.
“Why? What are you talking about?” she asked perplexed.
Now I was confused.
I paused and tried to regroup.
I looked to Ethan for help, but he just shrugged.
Never, never again was I hosting a holiday with my family. Never.
“Okay, let’s just start over here,” I suggested wearily. “The baboon goes though. You take the rap and… ”
My instructions to her were interrupted by a loud boom. The explosion rocked the mansion and I flew into action in response. Ethan grabbed his sword and tossed me my katana.
As we ran for the door, Mother Nature’s laugh stopped us cold.
“Wait. No need for weapons, dear,” she said with a giggle. “It’s not an evil enemy. Well, he is actually evil, but not an enemy.”
“If you keep speaking in riddles, I’m going to get that pole and shove,” I threatened.
Gigi’s delighted laugh made me grind my teeth. “Wouldn’t you like to guess who it is?”
“Would you like to guess how big a pole I intend to use?” I shot back.
“Fine. Be that way. I’ll just tell you. Satan’s here.”
Fucking awesome… just when I thought the day couldn’t get any worse.
“Let’s go greet my Uncle,” I told Ethan.
“Sure. Can I remove an appendage?” he asked.
“Maybe. It depends on how much damage he’s done,” I said.
“Works for me,” Ethan replied as he took my hand and we headed downstairs.
“Ohhhhhhhhh, this might get interesting,” Gigi sang as she grabbed my free hand and joined us. “Shall I smite his ass if he’s been bad?”
I smiled my first real smile of the evening.
“Absolutely. Absofuckinglutely.”
Chapter 4