My gaze left Willow as I looked over at Misa, her expression was not one I expected. She looked worried—torn.
“What?” My voice came out in a thick growl. I shook my head, pushed away the lingering anger that remained. “Sorry.” I smiled. “I don’t know why my voice is coming out like that. Thanks for the help.”
Misa never said a word.
Suddenly, a deep profound sadness washed through me. It’s wasn’t mine. Haven.
I spun around to see Haven in Briar’s arms, sobbing loudly. “What happened to her?” Quickly, I ran toward her.
The moment I was beside her, she threw herself into my arms and hugged me with all that she had. “Oh no…Nexi…no,” she screamed.
Confusion filled me.
My eyes fell to Zia’s. Tears were also streaking her face. Her mouth opened as if she wanted to speak, but nothing came out.
“For Christ sakes, what is it?” I snapped.
Briar placed her hand on my shoulder, her face a mirror image of Zia’s. “My dear, it’s happening.”
Uncertain of what she meant, I glanced around at the other witches among us. Their faces were horrified. Immediately, I understood. What had I just done? My stomach wrenched and a wave of perspiration washed over my body. My reasons for killing those witches came out of rage and hate¯emotions that fed Black Magic.
“Oh God, no,” I managed in a whisper.
It didn’t matter what my reasons were for killing the witches. It was that those emotions were inside me at all. White Magic was about everything good. Killing for the greater good. Not for personal reasons or because of anger.
Briar was right, it was happening.
I was losing my soul.
This was the beginning of the end.
Chapter Fourteen
I reached out, trailing my fingers through the soft leaves of my weeping willow. The second we came home, I couldn’t stand being near anyone. Haven continued to cry hysterically, and it annoyed me beyond belief. I just wanted to be alone.
Without hesitation, I came to my willow. It felt like a lifetime since I’d been here last. But the longer I sat, the more I couldn’t remember why I liked being here so much. I filtered through every memory I had, ran through every experience that happened here. The connection to my mother, my first time with Kyden, but I couldn’t feel anything. It was as if it was blocked. My life’s special moments held no importance anymore.
Footsteps made me lift my head. Kyden slowly approached. He gave me a soft smile, and I watched him intently. Why was I interested in him? What was it about him? After a few seconds of pondering, I still couldn’t find an answer to that question.
When he reached me, he sat down beside me, and took my hand. The instant our skin connected I was slammed with every answer to those questions. This was my willow, my favorite place to be and I loved Kyden with all that I was.
How had I even questioned that?
Tears filled my eyes as I gazed at him. “I’m not me anymore. When you’re not touching me it’s like I’m gone.” I glanced down to our hands, pained to even look at him. “This is the only way I feel like myself anymore. The only way I still feel connected to you or feel connected to anything. I’m disappearing, Kyden.”
He reached up putting his hands on my face as he cupped my cheeks. “You are still in there.”
I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks. “Every minute that passes I lose more of myself.” I felt sickened by the truth of what was happening here. “I wasn’t expecting this to all happen so quickly. I thought I’d be strong enough to fight against it. I thought I could beat it.”
He sighed deeply, his grip on my face fierce. “You can beat it. You are still there and we have to hold on to that. You need to hold onto that. You can’t let that part of yourself go. Do not give into it.”
“I’m trying, but it’s getting harder. Look at what I did tonight. I killed those witches out of anger, Kyden.” Shame and disgust made it hard to swallow. “It’s taking me.”
“You are still in there,” he said fiercely. His words were an attempt to hold onto us—to save us from this—to keep a smidgen of hope in the midst of all this chaos.
“I can’t lose you,” I barely got the words out. “I can’t go on without you.”
“You won’t have to, Álainn.” He leaned in, took my lips, and I lunged myself on him.
Scared that soon this would be the last time I would be myself around him. How much time would I have left with Kyden? “Kyden…” I whispered.
He raised his hand to my mouth and pressed his fingertips against my lips. “Don’t say it.”
“I have to. You have to let me,” I said against his hand, needing to make sure he understood how I felt because after tonight, I wasn’t sure how much longer I would feel it.
He slowly pulled his hand away, and as he did, tears filled his eyes. “I love you, Kyden—truly, and irrefutably love you. I love you so much sometimes it hurts. Hurts to be away from you, even hurts to be near you. No matter what happens, my heart is yours, and only yours. Remember that! Remember that I…” I pointed to my heart. “The real me is missing you and wishing I was in your arms.”
He caught my tear with his finger, and smiled sweetly. “It is not over, Álainn.”
The words were said, but it was a lie. The darkness was beginning to overtake me, and it was inevitable that I would eventually give in to it. No matter how hard I tried, it was going to win. I knew it and so did Kyden. All I could do was cry as my dreams with Kyden, the life that was once mine would be over and my heart crumpled to pieces.
“Hush,” Kyden hummed. He laid me back and unclipped my kilt. As I raised my hips, he removed my shorts slowly. “We have tonight. We have now. This is what you have to remember. It’s this,” he said softly, caressing my body. “It’s the way I love you.” He removed his gear, rubbed himself leisurely along my body. “It’s how my body feels when it’s close to yours.” He lifted his hips, entered me oh-so-gently. “It’s the way it feels to be joined.”
I moaned, his words were so true. This was right. This is where my heart belonged. It belonged to him and it always would. Magnus could never have that. No matter how much he tried to steal it away.
Kyden enclosed his body on top of mine and we hugged each other as we made love—held onto each other to keep this night forever. This wasn’t about sexual satisfaction or heat, it was about relishing in what we shared.
He whispered soft words in my ear of how he loved me, that he needed me, and I made his life complete. I cried hearing them. Wished that this wasn’t happening, that I could stay right here forever. However, wishing for it wasn’t going to change what was happening. Something deep within me was changing—far too rapidly.
I never cl**axed, and Kyden’s release was quiet and barely felt by me as I cried in his arms. The part that tore into me was knowing that when Kyden’s touch left mine, the despair I was suffering would wash away to something dark. Desperately, I wanted to stay like this locked in his arms forever. If I held onto him, our connection remained. I would stay. I wouldn’t be lost. “You can’t ever let go of me,” I whispered.
Kyden rose up above me, determination strong on his features. “I will do what I have to in order to keep you.”
I never replied. What could he do?
“Nexi, I’m coming down,” Zia’s voice came to me.
“We have to get dressed,” I said to Kyden. “Zia’s on her way.”
Kyden let go of me and a wallop of anger filled me, an overwhelming blast of fury. He dressed quickly, took my hand and the sadness sank back in. Exhaustion overtook me immediately. Suffering such quick, intense emotions was more than draining. He helped me dress, never letting go of my hand.
When Zia and Talon reached us, they sat beside us, and we all just stared at each other. No one said a word. What was there to say?
Zia started crying.
I reached out to her, wanting nothing more than to ease her pain. She was like a mother to me, and as hard as it was to be facing the loss of Kyden, it would be just as hard as to lose her too. “Zia,” I said softly.
Surprising me, she jumped to her feet. “No,” she roared. “You have to fight against this. Do what you must. You cannot let this be so.”
Without any inkling of warning, she slapped me across the face impeccably hard. I sat there, stunned.
“You must stop this,” she screeched. “I love you. I need you here.”
I reached up, put a hand to my stinging face. “What can I do?” My cries were loud screams. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop it. Don’t you think I would if I could? I don’t want this!”
Sobbing, she fell to the ground and Talon gathered her up in his arms. “No,” she cried. Again and again she screamed it.
All I could do was sit and watch her. I met Kyden’s sad eyes. “What do I do?” I pleaded for him to tell me, for him to find a way to stop this.