I smiled at the memory of his face. My kid brother had told me that he’d known all along that I would be back. Nothing would ever hold me back from him. “That’s for sure, Jer,” I had agreed as I took in his face, happy to see it outside of a memory while squeezing the bejesus out of him in a tight hug.
Now the road home to my bunker in the mountains called to me. I was desperate to see my mother, Helen. The news that Christian would help her was the best thing I’d heard all year. He would take her to the notorious Rick and have him fix what had gone wrong with her. She would be saved. That was all I could ever ask for.
I glanced into the side mirror, smiling slightly to myself at the black SUV following close behind ours. Sitting back in the chair, I caught Rye watching me in my periphery and flushed under his stare. I didn’t dare meet his gaze dead on. I felt bad enough that my feelings for Christian were distorting everything I had thought was for certain. At least this unwanted connection had made me accept the fact that I did love Rye. Fighting the bond between me and Christian was tedious but necessary. We had avoided each other as much as possible, hoping the distance would keep us stable. But would it be enough in the end?
Putting the vehicle into park, I studied the outside of the cabin that stood above our bunker. It looked so peaceful, untouched by the ordeal we had gone through. I jumped out of the cab and slammed the door behind me. I was relieved to finally be home. It may not be the most comfortable place in the world, but for now, it was enough.
“April?”
I turned back to find Rye’s warm smile, a smile that made me want to run back into the comfort of his embrace and breathe the calm of his scent. I could see that he felt the same, and it was okay with me. It didn’t make me want to run. In fact, it felt like home to me. I wondered briefly why I had fought it so much before. The despair of it yanked at my heart, making my regret sting just that much more. I should have let him in sooner. But every day was a new day, and the past was the past. This tiny hope that blossomed in me as I grinned back at him made my heart happy. I knew he would take care of it, even when I didn’t.
“Yes?”
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I think I’m going to be just fine.” A strange calm wrapped itself around me like a cocoon. This moment was the best it could be, and for that I was thankful. I stepped forward, turning on my foot as I continued toward the bunker.
No sooner had I taken a step, an assault of air slammed into me like a brick wall, sending me flying back from the blast. Bits of the cabin flew over my head, landing in crumbled pieces, some on fire across the landscape. I collided with the jeep, the crunch of metal and glass hitting me as I kept on, rolling over the hood and onto the rocky dirt. It had knocked out the breath from my chest, leaving me dazed with the world spinning.
What the…?
A moment or two passed before the searing burn of air finally seeped back into my lungs. Secondary explosions sounded off from the bunker, shaking the ground all around me. Stunned, I could hear nothing but ringing in my ears, throwing my balance off as I struggled to push myself off the ground and back onto my feet.
Rye….
My eyes darted around, relieved to find him moving on the ground near me. I brought the view of the bunker into my line of vision, a knot of doom formed tightly in my belly.
Oh my God…Mom!
The sudden surge of panic enveloped me as I pulled myself up, awkward and unsteady, gripping the door handle to heave myself up. My skin burned like needles prickling the surface. I checked my arms and my shoulders, finding shards of glass and wood embedded in the flesh. The right side of my face was swelling rapidly from slamming into the jeep. Everything wavered as I stood up and peeked over the jeep to the inferno of what had been my home for over a year.
No….
“Mom!” My voice was a harsh whisper with my breath still struggling to filter through the shock of the impact, my throat stinging. “Rye?”
“I’m here.” His pained voice made it clear he had not been spared the wrath of the explosion. He stood near me, his side scraped by rock and debris. Blood spots littered his shirt where shrapnel had hit him. If I had stopped to think about it, I was pretty sure I looked the same. Instead, reassured that Rye was okay, I stumbled toward the inferno that crackled before us, consuming the cabin and bunker in its unforgiving wake.
“Mom!” My voice was louder now, the ringing fading as I limped toward the heat of the flames. It seared my skin, an inferno that sizzled and hummed, stopping me from getting any closer. The fire roared from the inside of the bunker, a column of flame and smoke pouring out of the door, incinerating everything in sight. Nothing would be left after it was done enjoying the propane fuel and gasoline that fed it. Shattered wood and concrete littered the yard, some still smoldering from the explosion. The house was destroyed, leaving nothing recognizable. No one could have survived it. Not even my mother, who was, more than likely, still inside.
The scorching heat did not let me step any closer, leaving me feeling helpless, desperate to get to her. I couldn’t even get near enough to peer inside at the remnants of the building without the heat of the fire threatening to sear my skin off. What had caused this? Who had done this? I didn’t even notice the tears streaming down my now dirty face as my legs gave in and I slid to the ground, onto my knees.
Rye’s hand slid over me as he knelt down and pulled me into a fierce hug, letting me bury my tear-streaked face in his shredded shirt. It wasn’t until then that I realized I was sobbing, my face drenched with dirty tears, streaking my face. I couldn’t save her, I never could. The likelihood that she had caused this herself was so high that I wanted to bury this information into the crevices of my brain where things were shoved for the purpose of forgetting. I didn’t want to know anything anymore. I didn’t know if I could handle it much longer.
“Rye? Helen….”
“I know, shhh,” he whispered into my hair as I let the pain escape, shaking my body as I cried for everything I had lost. I was glad Jeremy wasn’t there. He had stayed behind at the hive, enjoying the new people to challenge him on his video games. He would have run inside immediately the moment we had arrived. But he was safe, and that was the one thing that helped me as the pain ripped through me. She had done it while we were both still gone. But had I rushed in like I had wanted to when we’d arrived, I might not have been so lucky. Why had she waited until I returned to do this? Maybe seeing us pull up solidified her resolve to end it. I wish I knew. But now, I will never know.
Oh mom, why this? How did it come to this?
So I cried. I let the despair take me in its embrace, swallowing all of my senses and drowning my resolve. I felt it tear through my insides, pulverizing anything good I had ever felt, filling my world with pain, so much of it I wondered if I would ever know what it was like to feel no pain. Could I even remember such things? No, there was never no pain, there was always the hurt and disappointment waiting in the wings to take over when anything good ever came along, only to exit stage left just as fast. We must accept this, especially when that is all that is handed to us.
But I’d never see Helen again. I had been too late to save her. She had been doomed for so long, and in the end, nothing I could have done would have helped her. I knew that now. She had made this decision, probably ages ago. But it had been so sudden, so final. It had left me numb, unable to process it when it came.
Christian had pulled up right after the blast and jumped from the car after barely putting it in park. Running over, his eyes were wild and shocked as he looked at the blood seeping from my shirt, glancing over to the house and then back again. I could tell he immediately understood what had happened. He had come to help me, to help my mother. But now that purpose was lost forever in the all-consuming fire that had claimed her life.
There would be no atonement for him. There would be no absolution for any of us.
Kneeling down next to me, he waited patiently as Rye continued to hold onto me. I knew the ache that Christian must have felt, waiting there, unable to hold me, unable to take the pain away like he had done so before. It would be agonizing to him, like a different kind of starvation. I felt the ache in my own body as well with him so near. A strange subconscious longing betrayed my heart. It was easy to ignore these problems in the midst of devastation. It was easy to fall into Rye’s arms when I wanted to feel nothing but numb.
I’d regret these thoughts later, when the smoke had died out and the embers were doused. I’d beat myself up for such things, for causing pain without ever meaning to hurt anyone. But I took what I needed, when I wanted it. I had left my mother to fend for herself in a fragile state. How selfish was that? I had done it without a second’s thought, without concern for the consequences. I had to live with that now, no matter how much I didn’t want to.
Epilogue
I RAN AND RAN…
I ran as fast and as far as I could, letting the asphalt race under my shoes with endless yellow and white lines passing me by. I wanted to run forever, to the ends of the earth until it ran out or the ocean came to greet me and swallow me up. It wouldn’t be far enough or vast enough to kill the pain inside or numb the ache. Nothing would be able to do that. There was nowhere I could go to escape the breaking of my heart. Only time could heal me, and even that would never heal the scars that were left behind.
When my legs and chest burned from the effort, and I felt like my muscles would spasm from the exertion, I searched the cars littering the highway until I found one with keys still hanging inside. Cranking the ignition, I prayed the engine would turn over. A soft, hesitant hum greeted me and I slammed the lever into drive. I let the soothing sway of the vehicle numb me as I dodged the endless hunks of metal and debris in my way, taking to the outskirts of the city opposite of my home in the mountains.
I didn’t care if the sun was close to the horizon or that the light would be gone soon, bringing the stuff of nightmares out to roam alongside me on the streets. I didn’t even notice the miles as I let the car continue on through the hills at the edge of the valley. Over the mountain, to the edge of my world I went, down a road I once knew, one my father had taken me on over and over. I had every turn memorized, every building and sign emblazoned into my mind. I remembered because that was all I had left. Memories. I hated them, loathed them, wanted to erase all of them and obliterate them from my head and yet, they were my only treasures.
Maybe it would be more merciful to be a feral vampire, to be oblivious of the way things used to be and were now, to be unable to register the devastation of the world. I envied them in a way. Envied the deterioration of their conscious minds. They didn’t have to experience the pain of life and loss. Memory was a curse. It was a long and devastating torture that never leaves and never stops its endless rant inside our skulls. Try as I might, I couldn’t make it go away.
I came to and found myself with my feet dangling over the edge of the Hoover Dam. I spied the murky water below, far beneath the pale waterline where it once stood. With no one to man the monstrous structure, it would inevitably fall into disrepair. Would it crumble to pieces? Would it shatter slowly, gently returning the flow to the Colorado River? Eventually it would, eventually the cement walls would buckle under the weight and the wear of time, giving in to the forces of nature and earth. I wondered if I would be alive to see it. I wondered if I wanted to be alive to see it.
I had never considered the fate my mother had chosen. I never would. It wasn’t something I could ever want. Sitting here, contemplating her reasons, and trying to understand the complexity of everything. I let the tears slip out of my eyes and stream down my cheeks, dripping down into the still water below. I watched as the fish flipped over each other under the surface, breaking it with their sharp fins and slippery bodies. They squirmed as they grouped together, involved in some dance of their own. I wondered what it was like down there, with them. Dark and murky with filth and mud. Not that much different from up here.
I had not heard the slam of a car door or the tentative footsteps that closed in on me. I already knew who it was. I could feel it in the marrow of my bones. It was like static dancing over my skin and tingling in my fingertips. I pretended I hadn’t felt it. The day had brought me nothing that I wanted. It had twisted my future and blurred the present so much, I wasn’t sure my warped senses would ever recover. Especially not with Christian lingering around.
“Leave me alone,” I muttered, hoping he’d get the message and leave me to dwell in my misery. Instead, he swung his black boots over the side and joined me on the ledge of the dam. I shifted to avoid touching his skin. He was too close. “How’d you find me?”
“I can always find you now.”
I turned and glared at him. If I had known the dire consequences of binding myself to him, would I have preferred death over this? Studying his unusually colored eyes as they reflected my face, I felt utterly lost. I couldn’t answer my own questions. It bothered me because I wasn’t used to such confusion. I blamed myself for my mother’s death, and I didn’t loathe Christian’s company like I thought I should.
The light darkened across the cloudy sky, and the sunset continued to fade. Knowing the wrath of night was upon us, we didn’t get up, we didn’t move. Eventually wiping the tears from my face, I retreated from the ledge. Without further words, I followed him to the car and let him take me back to my new home—the hive. Back to Jeremy. Back to Rye and Miranda.
Nothing was the way it ought to have been. Would it ever be? It would probably all eventually come crashing down anyway, but no one had given up on me yet. I had to let that be enough. I had to let it fill the emptiness inside that my mother had left behind and pull myself out of its grip before I let the despair win.