I took a deep breath and met his eyes. “I still feel his hands on me. The sound of the chains clanking. My wrists hurt sometimes, like they’re burning. I was constantly cold afterward. For weeks I sat in the tub trying to get rid of the feeling.” I lowered my head. “You’d think after going through something like that you’d appreciate life more, but I became scared of it. I was glad to have survived, but I’m tired of being scared. I hate how I panic at small spaces or how I freak out when I hear certain sounds or smell black licorice.
His hands squeezed mine, but he didn’t say anything. “I feel selfish because I did live and you—you sacrificed yourself for me. You went through years of . . . hell.” I tried to slip my hands from his, but he tightened his grip. “When I flipped out at the blood thing, it wasn’t just because you did it. It was because I was ungrateful you did it. Guilt, I guess.” His finger came under my chin and he raised my head. “I hate that you saw what happened. That you heard me scream. I never heard you scream and he—”
“Jesus.” Balen unclipped my seatbelt then pulled me onto his lap. “I can’t take away what happened to you, baby.” He stroked my back and kissed my forehead. “What you endured is a small part of us. Let it be a small part of us. Not all of us. We survived it. And we’ve grown into different people because of it.”
He was right, but it didn’t make it any easier.
Balen ran a finger down the side of my cheek and I looked up into his brilliant green eyes. “Beautiful,” he whispered.
It was one word. And it filled me with warmth, not because of the word and what it meant, but how he said it, how his eyes looked and how he touched me. How could he think I was beautiful when inside, I was filled with fears, wearing a mask every day, pretending to be strong. But the reality was, I was terrified. Terrified of what I felt for this man.
The only thing I stuck with my whole life was my painting, everything else I quit, including relationships.
Would I quit him? Once this Bond was broken, would I pull away? God, I didn’t want to hurt him.
“Stop thinking so much,” Balen said, his arms relaxed around my waist.
I shifted in his lap to look at him and his eyes were closed. “Were you reading my thoughts?”
There was a slight upward tug on his lips. “No, but you’re tense as fuck. Baby, I can feel everything about you.” He opened his eyes. “And if you don’t relax, I’ll find a way to make you.”
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. “And that would entail?”
“Fucking you.”
My body instantly heated at the thought. Maybe that was what I needed. “I’ve never done it in a plane.”
“Good to hear. I don’t want to think of another guy with his hands on you. Hold my neck.” I did and he came to his feet.
“The pilots—” I wrapped my legs around his waist and glanced at the cockpit door.
“Are flying the plane.” He strode to the back of the plane then placed me on my feet and backed me against the wall.
“You drive me crazy, you know that.” His hands slipped under my shirt and my breath hitched as his thumb grazed my nipple over the top of my bra.
Sweet moisture pooled between my legs as he nibbled my ear and his hand squeezed my ass. “This is not the Bond, Danni. Nothing can be this powerful to make me want you so fuckin’ bad.”
I quivered as he lowered his mouth onto mine, his assault gentle at first then harder until I was panting and pulling his hair. Needing him closer. Wanting him inside me.
He pulled back, but his body still caged me in. “Promise me, no matter what happens, you’ll do the transition into a Scar.” I tried to kiss him. I didn’t want to talk anymore. My mind was already reeling with uncertainty at what I was doing.
He slapped his palm into the wall of the plane. “Promise me. I need to know if they take me, that you’ll be safe. You’ll be a Scar.”
What if I transitioned and they killed him anyway? I’d still be a Scar. They had their own laws and rules and I had no idea what they even were. I couldn’t even commit to a man, let alone a way of life.
What the hell was I doing? With him? With the Scars? I was contemplating doing something that would drastically change my life forever. My immortal life.
Oh, God.
“I have to go the washroom.” I ducked under his arm and ran down the aisle to the bathroom and slammed the door. As soon as it clicked shut, I realized my mistake. Panic grabbed hold and I threw open the door then took off my shoe and placed it between the door and the frame so it wouldn’t close completely.
I turned on the tap and splashed my face with cold water then looked in the mirror. Water dripped down my cheeks, and fear burned in my eyes. Fear. Afraid of hurting Balen, hurting myself. Of failing us both.
Jesus, what was I doing here? How did this happen?
I lowered my head and splashed more cold water on my face, trying to wash away the fear, but it wouldn’t leave.
I jerked as hands rested on my hips. “Nothing’s going to happen to you. I’ll make sure of it.” He reached forward and shut off the water. “I won’t let them hurt you.” He swept my hair aside, and his lips pressed on the back of my neck.
My hands tightened on the edge of the stainless steel sink. “And what about you? What happens to you?”
When he didn’t say anything, the fear heightened and I felt the pressure in my chest build like I was strangling for air. His hand reached around and slipped beneath my shirt, fingers splayed across my midriff.