"Soon, baby," I promised the beautiful man who I couldn't have. "I will save you soon," I whispered.
"They're next. Martha and Jane are next," Susu screamed in relief. "Please God, let them be better than this shit that's making my eardrums bleed."
"Hell," Huhu chimed in. "If they get the lyrics right, that's a sure win."
I felt like I'd heard them sing before…it wasn't good, but it wasn't as bad as what we'd heard thus far.
"And now," the Fairy emcee shouted over the crowd, "we bring you the Vampyres, Martha and Jane. They will be doing a Prince medley for your listening pleasure."
The crowd went silent. Several Fairies booed and hissed. Fuck. This did not bode well for Martha and Jane keeping their heads. The lights went down and they came on the stage. I gasped and covered my eyes. They were wearing purple lingerie trimmed in purple sequins and feathers. Their pendulous boobs had pasties over them and their hoohoos were covered with barely there G-strings. It was vomit-inducing. But the crowning jewel were the knee-high stockings with brown orthopedic shoes. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I opened my eyes and waited for the bloodbath to begin.
A mirrored ball began to rotate over their heads and the band started to play “Little Red Corvette”. I couldn't look. It was too horrible. I wracked my brain for a plan B. I was going to have to save all of them now. Where in the Hell was The Kev? I was definitely going to need him.
"Oh my galaxies!" Lulu gasped with pleasure. "They are so cute and they can sing. It's not great, but I don't feel the need to hurl anymore."
Wait. What? She thought they were cute? Was she smoking crack? Huhu obviously agreed. She was clapping and singing along. However, Lulu was correct. They weren't awful. They were bad, but not awful.
Slowly Fairies in the audience began to sway and sing along. They were loving it. Martha and Jane were in Heaven if their pelvic thrusts and obscene gyrations were any indication. They sang their old lady hearts out and the Fairies were screaming with unabashed hero worship. Never in my life had I seen anything so redonkulous.
The Simon and The Randy were on their feet cheering, but The Paula was passed out on the table. I was unsure if it was the performance or the Fairy Juice. It didn't matter—all Martha and Jane needed were two yes votes to win—actually one. All of the rest of the contestants had gotten zero yes votes. The only unhappy person was The Corrine. She was clearly pissed that there would be no decapitations tonight. She shouldn't be so sad. There were definitely going to be some heads rolling tonight—just not Martha and Jane's.
Martha and Jane ended their medley in a bizarre version of the splits and the crowd went bonkers. The Simon ran out and tackled the old bags with joy and the emcee ran out with a huge trophy. Martha and Jane sobbed and bowed over and over as the Fairies tried to touch their new Goddesses. Unbelievable, but good. They were safe. I hoped.
"Oh my stars," Lulu said. "I want to wrap them up and keep them!"
"I get one too," Huhu said.
They were nuts, but I had no time to explain how insane the two old bats were. It was time for the finale. My finale.
"Are you guys ready?" I was poised for flight. I still had no clue what I was going to do, but I'd figure it out as I went. I was fifty-nine percent sure that the Mini Elves would follow my lead and not fuck me up. Decent odds.
"Wait," Susu screamed and held onto me before I plunged into the chaos. "The Ho-bag From Hell is going to speak. She's got Ethan with her.”
It was against everything in me to hold back, but we needed to hear what she said. Hopefully it would determine my next move.
"Ladies and gentlemen," she purred as she ran a manicured nail down Ethan's face. Her beauty was mesmerizing, but her insides were rotten. He turned his head as she tried to kiss him and the crowd tittered uncomfortably. She turned on them with a look so vicious we gasped from all the way up in the rafters.
"This is fucked," Susu murmured.
I couldn't have agreed more.
"I'd like to announce the wonderful news. I am to be mated to Jon Bon Jovi. Tonight," she said as the Fairies clapped excitedly. "Jon Bon Jovi will be our King and the child of the one who wrongly calls herself the True Queen shall be mine!"
The crowd clapped again, but whispers ran rampant through the rows of the Fairies. Maybe they weren't all her loyal subjects. Fuck. A mass blowup of Fairies was now out of the question. I could not kill innocent people, but how in the Hell was I going to be able to tell the difference? I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.
She wrapped her arms around Ethan and literally humped him on the stage. A rage akin to the one I felt earlier bubbled to the surface and I seethed with fury. Sparks flew off of me and not just from my fingertips. I was literally one big rainbow of deadly glittering flames.
"Oh shit," Huhu squeaked. "What do we do?"
"Make me big," I hissed. "Make me big now. Do it," I yelled as the flames around my body increased. There was no way in Hell a flaming hummingbird was going to cause enough damage. I needed to be me. "Now," I hissed as they backed away in fear.
They grabbed hands and chanted. Susu began glowing first and the others soon followed. I had not seen anything so stunning ever. I felt something twitch inside of me as the chanting became more intense and the glowing ramped up to where I couldn't actually look at them anymore. It hurt getting little, but that was nothing compared to what happened next. I would have welcomed death in the short minutes that it took the voodoo to make me big.