I gave Susu a look that could kill and put my hand on my stomach to calm the storm that was in full swing. "Twenty-six and a half?" I choked out. Those odds sucked. At least when I got home, I wouldn't have to worry about telling my husband I was in love with another man…he'd take one look at the tiny me and kick my ass to the curb. One problem solved. Hell, I hoped my thirteen kids would understand.
"It's better than two percent," Huhu said as she slapped Susu in the head.
"I'm gonna try to look at the positive here," I said tersely. "It's difficult, but I will try."
"See?" Susu trilled. "She's not mad and it will all be fine."
"Cakehole…shut it," I ground out.
"Roger that."
"Okey-dokey, True Immortal-Vampyre-Demon," Lulu said as she and Huhu approached me dangling their wrists. "Drink up."
"Why?" I asked suspiciously. I wasn't sure if this would help or keep me mini-sized for all eternity.
"Because we have to be connected to you in order to have a chance in Hades that this will work," Lulu explained.
Time was wasting and the show was ready to start. I grabbed their wrists and drank. They both giggled like loons while Susu jumped around like a cheerleader. No one was going to believe this if I made it out of here in one piece. No one.
Lulu had eaten cookies—chocolate ones and Huhu had clearly had indulged in sour cream and onion chips. Not a good combo, but I couldn't be picky at the moment. I was simply thrilled they hadn't eaten any bad Fairies—I did not want to know what that tasted like. I licked the puncture marks and closed the wounds.
"That was awesome!" Huhu and Lulu squealed as they danced around me in glee.
"Thank you and you're welcome. You should both lay off the junk food."
They stared at me in confusion.
"She can taste what we've eaten," Susu explained as the girls oohed and ahhed at this bizarre information. "Now let's lay it out, boss. Tell these gals what they need to know."
I did. As I told them every little detail as their eyes grew rounder with excitement. They were bloodthirsty little nut jobs. Thankfully, they were on my side.
"So let me get this straight," Huhu said as she sat down on the rafter and chewed her little nails. "Bon Jovi is really Ethan in disguise. He's some kind of Prince and the buttjamber, The Corrine, mistakenly stole his baby thinking it was Gemma's, who is the true Fairy Queen. That assbag wants to mate with Ethan and she's using the baby as collateral. And by the way, congrats on bagging that job with Gemma, Susu." Susu preened as the other two turned green with envy.
I ignored the petty bullshit and waited for more questions.
"So," she continued. "The disgusting old Vamps will sing or get decapitated and then we get to eat The Reggie and The Corrine?"
"Kind of," I said. "The main goal here is to save Ethan and his baby Samuel. Eating The Reggie and The Corrine will be a bonus."
"I can work with that," Lulu said agreeably.
"It seems to me you have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Jon Bon Jovi," Huhu observed.
My eyes narrowed and sparks began to fly from my fingertips. They back away and huddled together.
"She does," Susu volunteered. "But don't talk about it. Ever. She's married to some human dude and has twenty-four kids. Plus, Ethan is married to someone else. So mum’s the word."
"Um…" Lulu raised her hand.
"Yes?" I snapped.
"You have twenty-four children?"
"No. At least I don't think I do…I might. I just can't remember."
"Wow, that sucks," Huhu said as she patted my shoulder in sympathy.
"Yes, it does," I said morosely. "Now watch the show. We'll strike at the end after Martha and Jane win."
"Is that all the plan you have?" Huhu asked.
"Yep. I like to work by the seat of my pants," I said with way more confidence than I felt.
All three of them exchanged glances and shrugged.
"Sounds good to me," Susu said.
"Me too," Huhu added.
"Me three," Lulu chimed in.
"Me four," I said with a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes. "Everything will be fine."
It had to be.
Chapter 19
Children are resilient. Adults, not so much. While it is responsible to monitor what your child watches on television, make sure you protect yourselves from the truly horrid things that come over the airwaves (mainly reality shows except for Project Runway—that one is fine). While children may forget with time, adults can be scarred for life. We are serious.
Tone deaf was a supreme understatement. Listening to Fairies sing was like chewing glass and swallowing it. The four of us winced in agony as Fairy after Fairy butchered everyone from Madonna to Steven Perry. Satan would blow a gasket if he heard them desecrating his idol.
"I'm going to die," Lulu moaned as a gorgeous Fairy proceeded to destroy Christina Aguilera's “Beautiful”.
"Holy Hell," I mumbled. "I might join you."
The Simon was not kind at all. He was more vicious than he'd ever been on the version of American Idol I'd seen. Fairies left the stage wailing while The Paula sipped on Fairy Juice, smiling inanely and The Randy simply shook his head in despair. This was a train wreck, but the audience loved it. I watched in disgust as The Corrine clapped wildly and pawed Ethan. He sat in stony silence and ignored her advances.