No matter what, she wasn’t going to lose her shit right now with Cain and Cole and Jane all standing around, looking at her with concern.
She just wished she knew why Jack was breaking his pattern. There had to be a reason it was this moon that he had to have her for. It couldn’t be a case of missing her. Gross.
“Cain?” Cole said. “Are you coming with us?”
“Go,” Tam said. “I’m fine. Probably food poisoning from the last crappy food run your minions went on. They have to start feeding me better. I’m not a f**king cat you can just give fake food in a bag.”
His eyes narrowed, but whether or not he was buying the lie, he nodded. “I’ll have a talk with them.”
She needed to figure this out, and she didn’t need anybody hovering over her. She was barely keeping it together now. The last thing she wanted was to get the shakes and Cain be there to see it. The last thing she wanted to see from the demon she was angry with was pity. And she wasn’t about to ask him to f**k her again to kill her. She so was not in the mood right now. Plus, a part of her just wanted to kick his ass at least one more time. It seemed only fair, considering how much he pissed her off.
When he’d left, she sorted through her bags for the moon chart. She did one each year for the year ahead. It contained not only the moon phases, but planetary alignments and all astronomical anomalies that might affect magical workings. It let her know the best times to do certain workings. She could do magic at any time, but some magic worked better with an extra boost.
She rolled the parchment scroll out flat. The drawings and notations had been done in a blue pencil. She skimmed to the current month and her mouth dropped open. This full moon would also be the biggest planetary alignment in five centuries. The fact that it was happening on a full moon was even bigger. Maybe she would have noticed if she hadn’t been having a meltdown, but she tended to do each phase of the chart separately. Moon phases, then anomalies, then planetary alignments. By the time she’d gotten to planetary alignments, she hadn’t been thinking about where they were falling, or making the connection with Jack.
He’d be willing to kill the girl before her on a random day and get less power out of her if he could get his last kill on this particular date. Thinking back, wasn’t the last planetary alignment like this close to when he’d killed his first? Jack was all about magical symmetry.
It was too late to chase Cain down. He’d be out of the dimension by now. And the last thing she was about to do was stop another demon to say something like “Hey, could you be a dear and go grab my demon lover? I really need him to screw me right now for the good of preternatural beings and puppies.”
She shoved the scroll and the rest of her books and tools back into the bags and hid them behind the big rock. Then she took the tarot cards with her back to her tent. Something about being out here alone in these caves spooked her now. It was too dark and sinister, and knowing there were demons in the walls wasn’t comforting. She’d much rather be back in her own brightly colored tent with her demon guards.
When she got back, she sat on one of the large, round pillows on the ground and took the cards from their red, silk wrapping. She closed her eyes and tried to focus, breathing slowly in and out. She wasn’t sure reading her own cards would do her any good, despite Henry’s insistence.
She needed somebody else who was good at this, but contacting her coven was out of the question. She’d kept them out of it this long, no sense endangering them so close to the end. And the end was coming, she could feel it. Most likely the end for her.
She couldn’t ask Anna to do it, either. In the first place, divination wasn’t her gift. Incantations were her thing. It wasn’t that a witch couldn’t have more than one strong gift, Tam had two, but Anna hadn’t been a witch for as long as Tam had. Either way, she couldn’t touch the cards, and you needed physical contact with the deck.
Tam had just laid out the spread when Anna passed through the curtain in her wispy, ghost-like way.
“Who’s future are we looking at?” she asked, hovering.
Tam knew her friend was trying to be casual, but it fell flat. “Mine,” Tam said, grimacing. The cards were much the same as they’d been before she’d fled her house, which meant that running to Cain, or intending to—he’d kind of just showed up on her doorstep—hadn’t changed her future to any great degree.
There was still the death card, the tower, the lovers, and now judgment, a card that symbolized rebirth and hard and final decisions. The rebirth part was hopeful, at least, but if she had to fall off a tower and die to get there, she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. Henry had told her to follow her heart, and he’d made the quip about young love in the caves, but he couldn’t possibly mean she was meant to be with Cain. Could he? Would that be so bad?
“Well?” Anna said.
“I know what I want the cards to say and what I think Henry means, but I can’t get myself to believe in it.”
“And what is it you can’t believe in?”
Tam let out a deep sigh, knowing before she said it, how this would go. “That Cain and I are meant to be together.”
Anna let out a bloodcurdling shriek that had the guard demons darting into the tent to see what the fuss was about.
“We’re fine. Anna is just being dramatic,” Tam said.
The guards didn’t seem to be buying it, but since they’d been asked to guard Tam and not Anna, they went back to their post without a word of comment.
“You are insane,” Anna hissed. “You know you can’t be with Cain. Whatever he’s making you think or feel, it’s an illusion. It’s what he does.” She made a disgusted face. “He’s done it to me, even. He’s toying with you. He’s not Luc. He’s not going to take you as his mate and love you. That’s not who he is.”
“I know that! Jesus, give me a little credit for not being a stupid twit. I didn’t say it was what the cards meant. I said it was what I wanted them to mean. Well, maybe not the mating part. You’re right about that one. Cain won’t mate with anybody. I’m not as good at reading my own future. I’m not unbiased enough. But it seems like Henry thinks it, too, so maybe...”
“You saw Henry again?”
“Séance,” Tam clarified. “In the caves a little while ago. He noticed the thing with me and Cain and commented. He seemed supportive, at least.”
Anna shuddered, far from comfortable with Tam sleeping with the enemy. Tam couldn’t explain to her that the enemy was the only person she felt safe with and the only time she wanted to be here anymore. If they could have something together, he was someone she could never lose to death. He was solid and forever, and he understood—maybe not the cycling part—but all the rest—the endless continuity of it all. He was old enough that next to him, she didn’t feel like a freak.
Regular people thought they wanted to remember their previous lifetimes, but if they did, they would be pressed down by the crushing weight of it. Forgetting was a mercy she hadn’t had the opportunity to partake in for far too long. She wanted to drink the cup of forgetting and start over. She wanted a clean slate, but a part of her also wanted Cain, to see where it went, to see if she could be genuinely happy again.
Maybe when all this was over, if she survived it, they could see where things might lead. It didn’t have to be a forever thing. Maybe they could just have something for a while.
“He’s not being faithful to you,” Anna said, as if she could see the wheels in Tam’s head turning. And most likely she could. “He can’t be faithful to you. He’ll never change.”
“I don’t care about that,” Tam said. And she really didn’t. She was too old for that silliness.
“How can you not care?”
Tam shrugged. Over the past several years, there hadn’t been many moments where she’d felt completely disconnected from her friend, but this was one of them. How could she explain her general lack of jealousy? She’d been like this for a few centuries now. Jealousy seemed so stupid once enough living time had passed and you’d settled into life in a way a seventy-year lifespan didn’t allow. Average humans saw things in terms of forever when they couldn’t even properly conceptualize that term and “til death do us part”. But when death never really came for you, as it did for all your lovers, you saw each encounter as more temporary, and the possessiveness and clinging stopped making sense.
If she had something with Cain, they’d have it until they didn’t, whether or not he was feeding from other women. She looked up to see that Anna was still waiting for a real answer.
“Look, Anna, you just can’t tie somebody down like that. If they want to be with you, they do. If they don’t, they don’t. If they want to be with you and other people, you can choose to accept it or walk away. I just want somebody who is there, someone who can’t die on me. I don’t care what else they’re doing.”
If Cain mated with her, it would be only her: it was the price the demon paid. But it was a price Cain never would pay. And she was okay with that. It was nice to know she’d have the option to break the cycle and get out of all this—that she and the demon could have something that didn’t have to be everything. Then they could part and go along their separate courses.
Though their blood had mingled, she didn’t think he’d ever go through with it. That had been a weird crazy moment. It was an accident. From what Anna had described of the incubus-human mating ritual, there was no way to do the real thing accidentally. There was no way she’d ever be doing that with Cain. Could she be his part-time concubine? Yes, without question. But Anna wouldn’t understand. She was too different in this way.
Anna shook her head. “I don’t get you. This is just lust. If you’re not jealous... If you could share him and not have a problem with it, it can’t be love.”
“Possession and restriction aren’t love.”