A gasp went through the crowd and my cousins froze. A giant wave of applause engulfed the ballroom.
“How is that possible?” Wrath hissed. “He’s never sired a son. Only daughters.”
“I don’t know,” Envy shrugged in confusion.
“Is it his?” Sloth asked.
“If it’s not, she’s dead.” Lust laughed. “Personally I hope it’s not. I can’t stand that bitch.”
Amanda smiled at the crowd and rubbed her yet to pop belly. Damn, as much as I didn’t like her, I had to agree with Lust. Amanda was gross. The crowd eyed the consort with distrust. The applause continued, but there was much speculative whispering. She moved to Satan and put her arms around him, trying to establish ownership, but apparently that was a little premature for one who had not yet borne him a child. My uncle peeled her off and walked away, leaving her humiliated and alone.
“Is this how it was when I was conceived?” Dixie asked her sisters.
“No, we didn’t know anything about you till Daddy brought you to Hell when you were three years old.”
“Where was I for my first three years?”
“Probably with your imaginary friend.” Lust laughed at her cruel joke.
“Why don’t you leave her alone,” I snapped. I’d had just about enough of her and her shitty attitude. Dixie had just learned something shocking she never knew before.
“Why don’t you make me,” she shot back. Her eyes turned red and dark magic seeped out of her. I knew my own eyes turned green and I itched to take her out.
“My pleasure.” I stepped toward her.
“While I’d love to see Astrid kick your skinny ass,” Wrath grinned, “now is not the time or place.”
We both backed off, but this was far from over.
“We don’t know where you were,” Greed told Dixie, ignoring the fact that a girl fight had just been averted. “But we’re happy you’re ours.”
“I wonder if Amanda got the memo that once you bear Satan’s child that he kicks your ass to the curb.” Pride muttered and straightened her immaculate hair.
“Clearly big fake lipped and fake boobed Amanda doesn’t think that applies to her since she plans to blow out a boy,” Wrath said thoughtfully.
“You do realize that her Sexy Pet name is Donkey Nipples,” Envy grunted, trying not to laugh. I bit down on my lip and held my own laughter in. I suppose it was good they were funny considering they were as dangerous as all get out.
“Yes, that had occurred to me.” Greed giggled and high fived her sister. “I dare you to call her that,” she challenged.
“I’ll do it,” I said with pure immature bravado, imagining the horrified look on Amanda’s face. “Wait . . . can I get killed for that?”
“No,” Wrath said. “You are a guest. We don’t have guests killed very often.”
“Good to know,” I mumbled and wondered why I offered to put my head on the chopping block. Did I want them to like me? Was I so desperate for a family that I would risk my life to make them laugh . . . Apparently yes. I needed to get out of here. I had a much nicer, if slightly unstable family on Earth.
“Holy shit,” Gluttony gasped. It was the first time I heard her speak and it was like music. “Did you realize that the main characters in Sponge Bob Square Pants were based on us?” She was of course on Facebook. The sheer irony . . .
“Who am I? Patrick?” Sloth asked with a huge grin.
“Yep,” Gluttony told her. “And I’m Gary.”
“Am I Plankton?” Wrath asked.
“Nope, you’re Squidward. Greed is Mr. Crabs, Envy is Plankton, Pride is Sandy and Lust is Sponge Bob,” Gluttony sputtered.
“How in the living Hell am I Sponge Bob?” Lust demanded. “There isn’t one sexy thing about Sponge Bob.”
“Don’t know, sexy pants, but that’s what Facebook says, so it’s true.”
“Bullshit,” Lust griped. “Facebook sucks.”
“Quiet, Daddy’s not finished dropping bombs.” Envy shushed her sisters.
“He’s losing his fucking mind,” Wrath hissed with disgust.
“I couldn’t agree more,” Lust added.
Were they serious? Was Lucifer insane? If he was, what did that mean for me? Would I ever get out of Hell if he’d lost his marbles? Shitshitdamnshit. I moved stealthily behind Wrath and Lust just in case they had anymore nuggets of wisdom to impart. I needed to be armed with everything and anything I could learn.
“Another reason I have called you here tonight is to celebrate my beautiful daughter Dixie.”
The Demonic crowd went wild. She may not be evil, but she was certainly well liked. Satan held his hand out to her and she went to him like a moth to a flame. His magic filled the room and his power was undeniable. If he had gone crazy we were all in for a hell of a ride.
“It is your turn to be assigned,” he told Dixie. “You shall transport to Earth in six months and serve me well.”
Dixie’s chin dropped to her chest and her shoulders slumped forward. I barely heard her whisper, “Yes, Father.”
Two large fingers lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. “This is not a punishment,” he said quietly, “it’s your birth rite and your duty.”
“I know, Daddy,” she replied, “and I’m honored to serve you.”