That gave me pause. Maybe this wasn't all my fault. My crazy ass family had been around constantly. Uncle Satan. Pam aka my guardian angel. Mother Nature aka Grandma Gigi. My cousins, the Seven Deadly Sins. Son of a bitch—I was an unfit mother. No child should hang out with Satan on a daily basis. I mean he was fun and all, but he was still the Devil.
"We're having a meeting," I said as I shoved all the dog bones under the bed. "Every last one of them is going to sit here and listen to the new fucking rules. No more swearing or bird flipping." I froze. "Do you think the Baby Demons took him to a strip club?"
My stomach dropped to my toes. I didn't deserve this child. We were the most dysfunctional lot imaginable. He would be better off with normal parents who didn't swear, fly and destroy cities with the flick of a finger.
"I'm going to lay down the law and if anyone disagrees, I'll tear their head off or at the very least maim them thoroughly."
"You're not serious," Ethan said. A look of horror marred his ridiculously handsome features. "That will be a clusterfuck of epic proportions."
"Clusterfuckclusterfuckclusterfuck," Samuel gleefully bellowed in our heads.
My eyes narrowed dangerously at my mate and my son.
"Fine." Ethan sighed dramatically. "But get ready for life to be over as we know it."
"First of all, we're already dead, so that part of the argument doesn't work, Little Mister Master Vampyre. And if we keep going at the rate we're traveling, we'll have a depraved convict with absolutely no morals on our hands."
Samuel pulled his wet thumb from his mouth with a pop and grinned. "Bite me, assjacket!" he yelled at his father in an adorable voice that was no longer confined to our heads. It was loud and clear and I had to bite down on my cheek to keep from laughing. Of course the laughter died a violent death in my throat as my perfect son wiggled his chunky fingers and set the curtains on fire.
"Call everyone. Now," Ethan ground out as he gently laid the fire starter on the bed and doused the flames with magic. "We have a bit of a problem on our hands."
Chapter 2
The little boy was precious to his parents and ohhhh so very smart. So smart he tended to get his way without his overprotective parents even knowing what happened…If this has occurred at your house, try a time out. When that fails (and believe us, it will) bring in back up.
"So are they're all coming?" Ethan asked warily. He ran his hands through his thick blond hair as he paced his office in agitation.
"I think so." I muttered as I paced right behind him, nervously touching each piece of furniture and priceless knickknack I passed. "Have they ever all been in a room together?"
"Yes."
"Well then, how bad can this be?" I gripped Ethan's hand in excited relief. If they'd done it before this would be a piece of cake.
"It was in 79 AD," he said as he waited for my reaction with raised eyebrows.
"Is that supposed to be significant to me?" I demanded with a pit the size of a bowling ball growing rapidly in my stomach. "I skipped ancient freakin' history in high school to window shop and I majored in art in college."
Ethan slowly sat down on the couch with an expression I couldn't decipher. This was either going to be hilarious or nauseating.
"There was a picnic in Pompeii…"
"Fuck." Not even remotely funny.
"Exactly. Of course I wasn't there, but the story is quite colorful. Your uncles, God and Satan, got in a fistfight over Eve who was still with Adam at that point. No one liked the cake Mother Nature brought. Your grandfather didn't realize Mother Nature—his wife—would be there and brought a few girlfriends. The Seven Deadly Sins were PMSing. The Angels of Light and Death were determined to kill each other. However, your Cousin Jesus and The Kev simply watched. So there you have the truth behind the destruction of Pompeii," Ethan explained logically as he shuddered.
"Mount Vesuvius had nothing to do with it?" I choked out. The bowling ball was now lodged in my esophagus.
"That was just a cover," he replied.
"Fuckityfuckfuckshitballsfuck. Why can't I have a normal family?" I shouted.
This was bad. We didn't even live in the vicinity of a volcano if we needed to cover up any mass destruction. We were in Kentucky. We didn't have a conveniently exploding mountain nearby. This was such a clusterfuck waiting to happen. Maybe I would talk to them individually…or have the meeting in Purgatory. No one would miss Purgatory if it blew up. It was boring and smelled funky.
"Astrid, your family is normal—considering."
"Considering what?"
"Considering they're all immortal and certifiably insane."
"Not helping," I muttered. "Wait." I jerked to a halt as my ass started buzzing. Why in the Hell was my ass buzzing? "Oh my Hades," I shrieked. "My butt is vibrating."
"Your phone is in your pocket," Ethan informed me as he did his best not to laugh.
"I knew that," I hissed as I yanked it out, practically removing the pocket of my cute Prada jeans in case he was wrong and it was a bomb. "I have a text."
I quickly scanned the message and squealed with joy.
"We're not going to be homeless and Kentucky will not be wiped off the map of the United States. God and Jesus can't make it and the Seven Deadly Sins won't be here either. They have to do community service on a chain gang in Oklahoma for something to do with streaking and money laundering—like that makes any sense."