"That was nine hundred and eighty years ago," the one on the right sniffed. "Are you still not over that?"
This was insane and I really didn't have time to deal with Mini Elf drama. I had my own drama unfolding before my eyes. However, their arrival did stop me from killing The Corrine before I was allowed to. Point for them.
"Who in the fuck are you?" I demanded as I pulled Susu back. She had rolled up her sleeves and was preparing to fight. Not happening.
"Who are you?" the one on the left fired back. "You're very pretty, but you are not a Mini Elf. I sense Vampyre and Demon."
"You sense right. Now answer my question first or I'll let Susu loose on you."
They backed away and grumbled indignantly.
"I'm Lulu," the gorgeous one with skin as black as night, deep chocolate eyes and a shock of wild blue hair on her perfect head said. Amazingly, she made the blue tresses work.
"Of course you are," I drawled and laughed. "And who are you?" I asked the one with creamy skin, mounds of auburn curls, green eyes and freckles. "Tutu?"
"Absolutely not." She was beyond insulted. Her face reddened with fury and Susu giggled. "Tutu is a two-timing hooker with bad breath and toe fungus," the tiny redhead hissed. "If you ever call me that again, I will go ballistic on your ass. My name is Huhu."
"I'm in Hell," I muttered. "I'm hanging out with Elves named Susu, Lulu and Huhu."
"I can assure you you're not in Hell," Huhu said. "You're in Xanthia, and while Hell is tacky as all shit, Xanthia is tackier. I've been. Trust me on this."
"I've been too, little Elf, and I'd have to agree with you," I said. I wondered why she had been down under.
"Your name?" Lulu asked with her hands on her hip.
"Astrid, aka Boobs McGee," I told her.
Susu rolled around on the girder in a fit of giggles.
"What's so funny?" Huhu asked, confused. "Boobs McGee isn't that bad." Lulu nodded her agreement.
"Whatever. She's a True Immortal Vampyre-Demon, so don't fuck with her," Susu said as she regained control of herself. The two others stared at me in awe. "Why are you here and why shouldn't I kill you dead where you stand? I got locked in a fucking Genie bottle because you two imbeciles left me in that bar."
"Oh my stars," Lulu gasped and fell to her knees. "I am so sorry. We had no idea. We thought you were grooving on the Mini Warlock with the tight ass and Gucci shoes."
WTF? Mini Warlocks exist?
"I was," Susu snapped. "He had an enormous package and was fabu in the sack. However, twelve days later I was abducted by a fucking Genie and shoved in a bottle for five hundred years."
I cleared my throat and gave her the eyeball. Extending the years with a stinky Genie was not wishful thinking.
"Fine." She rolled her eyes and stamped her foot. "It was slightly less than five hundred years, but it felt like it."
"I'm a little confused here," Lulu said as she wrinkled her brow in thought. "How in the fucking shit were we responsible for that? You got laid by a Warlock with a huge Johnson. We weren't even around when you got kidnapped."
She had a point.
Susu darted up in the air, kicking her legs and swearing. She huffed and puffed—basically threw a hissy fit. She gathered herself and slowly floated back down. Apparently she was done. I bit down on my lip so I wouldn't laugh, but I stayed poised to yank her off of Huhu and Lulu. There was no telling what she would do.
"You're right," she admitted sheepishly to her very relieved friends. "I forgot. You know how it is. Sometimes the centuries all meld together." The other tiny crazies nodded in agreement and then they all hugged and kissed each other.
"Look, I'm happy that you and your buddies are friends again, but I'm here to basically save the world and you guys are a distraction."
"Ohhh, we want to help," Lulu said in a bloodthirsty voice that made me a little uncomfortable.
"Yes, we will help," Huhu agreed readily. "How is it that you're tiny like us?"
Susu blanched and pretended to be engrossed in the preshow activities below.
"Susu," Huhu gasped. "You didn't."
Lulu started to pace and wring her hands. A pit developed in my belly and I turned to Susu and waited.
"It was the only way to save her and everyone else in this clusterfuck. She was trapped in a cell with two heinously dressed, older than dirt, singing Vampyres and she was too large to escape…so I shrunk her," Susu screeched. "What else was I supposed to do?"
"Did you shrink the other Vamps?" Lulu inquired.
"No. They're singing for their lives tonight. Literally. I only shrunk Astrid. However, as I told you before, Astrid's a True Immortal. Only half of her brain is working at the moment and the point is she needed me."
"I thought her name was Boobs McGee," Huhu said.
"Shut up, Huhu," Susu snapped.
"Holy shit." Lulu was beside herself, which made the pit in my stomach grow to a boulder. "You shrunk a fucking True Immortal?"
"Um…yes," Susu admitted morosely.
"She's eighty three percent sure that she can make me big again," I volunteered lamely.
"It's a very fucking good thing we're here," Huhu said as she rolled up her sleeves. "Susu could never make you big by herself, but the three of us have a twenty-six and a half percent chance of doing it if we work together."