"Watch where you're going much?" she snapped.
"I could say the same. Did you find them?"
"Um…I think so." The bizarre grin on her face made me itchy.
"What?" I demanded.
"Not quite sure how to describe it. You'd better just come with me."
Oh my God, this was going to be bad. I could feel it.
"Oh, and I figured out two more legal potty words," she squeaked with glee.
"Spit 'em out." With the way the day had been going I could use a few more.
"Cock means male chicken and pussy means cat." Her self-satisfied grin made me laugh.
"You are brilliant. Gemma will love you."
"Ohhhhhhhhh, do you really think so?" She shook with excitement. "I so want her to love me."
"She will," I promised. "Now take me to Martha and Jane."
Susu's face scrunched into an expression I couldn't define. Was it constipation? "Um, sure, boss. Your wish is my command."
Her laugh made my stomach churn. Something was up with Martha and Jane. Did I really want to meet Ethan's lovers? No. Was I going to man up and treat them with respect? Yes. Yes, I was. No matter how beautiful they were and how jealous I was, I could do this. I would do this.
This was going to suck.
Chapter 16
Teaching your child to respect his elders is important. The elderly have earned our courtesy and regard. However, if the elder is an asshole simply teach your child to pretend he is from a foreign country and does not speak the language. This will ensure that they can politely ignore the old bastards.
"Is this a fucking joke?" I demanded as I stared at the two old lady Vampyres flipping me the bird from the corner of their cell. "Where are Martha and Jane?"
"Well, if it's not Boobs McGee," one of them said as she hopped up and danced over to the bars. Her clothing was appalling—light blue yoga pants with a lime green halter and black orthopedic shoes. The halter was not friendly to her sagging bosom, but she didn't seem to give a crap. Neither did her almost identical buddy. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. We were wasting time we didn't have. Furthermore, I thought Vampyres were supposed to be good looking. These little rude things blew that theory to Hell.
"As far as I know my name is not Boobs McGee. Who in the Hell are you?" I hissed.
She looked at me with wide and surprised eyes. The other little heinous Vamp hustled over to the bars, craned her fleshy neck out and stared.
"You don't know who we are?" she demanded. "What the fuck happened to you?"
Did I know them? They certainly seemed to know me. Was my name really Boobs McGee? I was kind of getting used to Astrid. Boobs McGee was hideous. You couldn't even shorten that one…the nickname would be BM. Nice.
"If I knew who you were I wouldn't ask," I snapped as sparks began to spit from my fingertips. They paled and backed away in terror.
"Hang on to your britches, Hooters McKnockerland," one of them said. It was a little difficult to tell them apart.
"I thought you said my name was Boobs McGee," I ground out through clenched teeth. Why did I feel the need to smack them around? They were old ladies, for God's sake.
They exchanged evil little smirks and cackled with glee. "Actually," the one on the right said, "you go by several names: Knockers Boobtastic, Rack LaGinormous, Chesty McMelons, Titty DuHooter…"
"Betty Badoinkies, Mound LaChesticles, Gazonga Flapdoodle and Pillows Magambos," the one the left added with an incredibly straight face.
"Enough," I yelled. It was clear they could go on all day. If one of those was really my name I was going to kill myself. It had to be around five and I knew from the billboard the American Idol show was at eight—time was running out. "Tell me where Martha and Jane are and I will consider helping you two imbeciles escape."
Their silence and slack-jawed expressions were unnerving. Crap, what was going on here?
"Um…that's Martha and Jane," Susu mumbled.
"Bullshit," I said as I stared in shock at the women that I'd been jealous of for two days. If it wasn't so embarrassing I'd laugh. "You're Martha and Jane?" I demanded as I stalked closer to their cell.
Backing away in fear they nodded like bobble heads. "We are. I'm Martha," the slightly shorter one said.
"And I'm Jane," the other one muttered as she contemplated me like a science experiment.
"What are you staring at?" I huffed out in exasperation.
"It's not as much fun to fuck with you when you don't know who we are," Martha said as Jane grunted in agreement.
I ran my hand through my hair and stared at the floor for a long moment. Clearly I knew them, but I didn't remember them. These were the Vamps I was supposed to save. They were annoying as Hell, but I was certain they were not Ethan's lovers. He'd been telling the truth. How did The Reggie think they were sexy? Would wonders never cease?
"I'm having a little memory snafu at the moment. Don't tell me anything that I don't ask you. It could doom the life of Ethan's child. Do you follow me?"
"Ethan's child?" Martha asked in confusion.
"Yes. Were you kidnapped with the baby?"
"Um…kind of," Jane mumbled, staring at my face like I had multiple noses.
"How in the cocksucking Hell were you kind of kidnapped?" I yelled. I glanced over at Susu who nodded her approval of the way I worked in the legal swear word cock.