Home > Fashionably Dead in Diapers (Hot Damned #4)(23)

Fashionably Dead in Diapers (Hot Damned #4)(23)
Author: Robyn Peterman

"Astrid, come back here, baby," the stupidly pretty one said.

"Are you crazy?" I yelled. "If you think I'm gonna make it easy for you to kill me and then bathe yourself in my blood, you've got another thing coming, buster."

"Oh shit," I heard the sexy one say as I banged my head on a table.

Who in the heck puts a dangitydangdang table where a door is supposed to be?

"What's wrong with her?" Mr. Sexy Voice asked.

"Well," the other dorko said, "it seems that she might have lost her memory."

"Ya think?" I shouted as I rubbed the knot that was forming on my forehead from my unfortunate interaction with the table. "You two just stay where you are and no one will get hurt. I have rabies and I'll bite you." That probably wasn't the smartest thing I could have said, considering my eyes were still half shut and I'd just crashed into a table, but it was the only thing I could think of.

They both stared at me with wide eyes and open mouths…maybe the rabies thing worked.

"Astrid, calm down," the big pretty one who I didn't want to suck face with said carefully. "We're not going to hurt you. We're your friends."

"Right," I snapped. "Friends don't want to kill friends, Mister Big Dude. I heard you talking, so that nice poop isn't going to fly."

"Oh my God," the one I would have dated if he wasn’t a murdering turd knocker said. "Astrid, you need…"

"Okay, here's the deal. I am at least ninety seven and a half percent sure my name is not Astrid. Clearly you've kidnapped the wrong girl. So if you'll just back off and let me leave, I won't go to the police. Deal?"

They were speechless. I didn't take that as a good sign.

"Oh, and if you could tell me where I live that would be helpful."

Still speechless.

I stared at them and realized my great surprise, I wasn't afraid of them. What was wrong with me? Did I have no self-preservation instincts at all? It was difficult to take my eyes off of the one who smelled like Heaven. His jeans hugged his rear end like a glove and the long sleeve t-shirt made my mouth water. I had to assume the bump on my head had rattled my brain because I'd clearly lost it. Only someone with a death wish would be eyeing her captor like he was a steak.

"This is a clusterfuck," my would-be killer boyfriend muttered as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"There is no need for potty language," I snapped. "You might want to kill me and that's fine…actually, it's not fine because you have the wrong girl, but I will not tolerate a filthy mouth. Do you understand?"

"We have a little problem here," the big guy said as he paled considerably.

"Ya think?" Pretty Boy ground out. "What do we do about this?"

The big one shook his head and dropped down on the couch in defeat. "I have no clue. None whatsoever."

Chapter 9

Honesty is always the best policy. However, honesty is not always appreciated. When answering your child's most difficult questions, make sure you only answer the question that was asked. More information is oftentimes not helpful and occasionally leads to hospitalization of the parent. ‘Nuff said.

I was no longer scared of my kidnappers at all. With every fiber of my being I knew they meant me no harm. I actually felt sorry for them. They were insane and pathetic.

"Let me get this straight," I said as I tried desperately to stifle my laughter. "You think you're a Vampyre and you think you're a Fairy?"

"Yes," the one who called himself Ethan said. "And you're half Vampyre and half Demon."

"Riiiight." I nodded and tried to gauge how far away the door was. These dudes were either on drugs or they'd escaped from the loony bin. "I get how you'd want to be a Vampyre with Twilight and True Blood and all, but you…" I pointed at the big guy who called himself The Kev. "I would have never guessed that you were gay. Not that I have any problem with anyone's sexuality, but you just do not register on my gaydar at all."

"I'm not gay," he said. "I'm a Fairy."

"How's that different than gay?" I asked, completely confused.

"I have wings and can do magic," The Kev explained.

"And I can shoot laser beams from my fingertips," I shot back sarcastically.

"Actually, you can," Ethan mumbled.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "This has been really fun and extremely informative in a bizarrely alarming way, but I have to go. So if you guys wouldn't mind telling me where you abducted me from I'll just be on my way."

"What would you suggest we do next?" Ethan asked The Kev as his jaw worked in frustration. Dang, that was hot. "Explaining doesn't seem to be working."

"Show her?" The Kev suggested.

"Guys." I put my hands up. "This is getting embarrassing…for you. Maybe you should just cut your losses and let me go. I swear to God that I won't tell anyone."

"He's your uncle," Ethan informed me.

"Who's my uncle?" I asked.

"God is your uncle."

"I'm outta here," I said as I made a run for the door.

"Show her," The Kev bellowed so loudly I stopped and glanced back at the whackos.

Ethan shrugged and produced an evil looking set of fangs. I was too shocked to run. He was hotter than heck and made the blond dude from True Blood look like a weenie.

   
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