"Um, that would suck," I told him.
"Suck doesn't begin to cover it," he screamed, turning redder by the second. "Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson are enablers, and Simon Cowell is a bitch."
"Wait. What?" What in the Hell was he talking about? The Reggie was unstable and I wasn't sure why The Kev thought it was a good idea to have a flipped out Fairy help us. The Reggie was clearly close to having an aneurysm.
"They are Fairies," The Kev said as he watched The Reggie begin to uproot trees and throw them into the woods.
"You're kidding. Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are Fairies?" I asked as I ducked to avoid a rather large spruce that was flying through the air.
"I only wish I was kidding," The Kev said as he grabbed The Reggie and stopped his tree chucking shenanigans. "They had been on Earth for thousands of years and then they had the bright idea to become hosts of a singing show. It was bad enough that Paula pursued a rather alarming singing career herself, but this was too much. Becoming so famous brought focused attention on them, which is very, very bad for us. The risk of discovery is forbidden and punishable by death."
"So what the Hell happened?" I asked as I watched The Kev tie The Reggie's arms in a knot to stop his tantrum. The Henry stood by and watched with satisfaction as his buddy was turned into a pretzel.
"They were told to make enough trouble so they would be fired," The Henry explained. "The Paula began to drink massive quantities of Fairy Juice and The Simon asked for too much money and got so bitchy he was barely palatable."
"And The Randy?" I inquired, still trying to swallow this new bit of bizarre info.
"He did nothing. The Randy knew the antics of The Paula and The Simon would be sufficient," The Henry replied.
"Is Ryan Seacrest a Fairy?"
"Oh, Heavens no," The Reggie grunted as he tried in vain to untangle his arms. "He's a Troll."
"Wait," I yelled as I jackknifed forward to stop the pain in my gut. "I've heard of Trolls…I think."
Ethan stopped pacing and stared at me hopefully.
"Am I friends with one?" I asked, frustrated and sick and tired of being in pain.
"I certainly hope not," The Henry huffed as he moved discretely away.
"No, you are not friends with any Trolls," Ethan said. "Trolls are assholes. They are destructive and deadly."
"Well, then how is Ryan Seacrest able to get away with being on TV?" I asked. Why was I even having this conversation?
"He's only a quarter Troll," The Kev answered.
"And the rest?" I don't know why I asked questions that I didn't want the answers to.
"Unicorn."
"Of course Ryan Seacrest is a farking Unicorn. I mean, anyone could see that," I shouted. These douche canoes were insane. "Look, let’s just find the baby and Ethan's gal pals and get the Hell out of Dodge."
"They are not my gal pals," Ethan said, exasperated. "If anything, they're yours."
"I'm gay?" I said, totally surprised. I didn't feel gay. My redonkulous desire to play hide the salami with the sexy Vampyre would lead me to believe I was straight, but who knew? Maybe I had a wife and she gave birth to half of our sixteen children and I had the other half. Still, blowing out eight kids was a lot. It was a relief I didn't give birth to all sixteen of my kids. Why would I have thought it was socially responsible to have sixteen children? It's not like I even had any fun getting pregnant. Did I use a turkey baster?
"You're not gay," Ethan said, thankfully putting an end to my heinous inner monologue. "Do you really not remember?"
"If I'm asking if I'm a lesbian, does it sound like I remember?" I demanded.
He had some nerve. He knew all the answers. All he had to do was tell me, but The Kev said no. I had to do it on my own. Hells bells, it was probably going to hurt like a motherhumper when it all came back…if it came back. Buttcramppoopwanker.
"She will remember," The Kev assured us. I wasn't sure I believed him, but I wanted to. "Let it go for now," he advised. "It will happen when it is supposed to."
"The plans?" The Henry asked.
"Is anyone going to untie me?" The Reggie whined.
"Are you going to stop throwing trees?" The Kev inquired.
"Yes," he ground out.
"Boulders?"
"Yes."
"People?"
"You drive a hard bargain," The Reggie groused, "but I will behave."
"Fine." The Kev wiggled his fingers at The Reggie and his arms were restored to pre-pretzel. He rotated them and sighed with relief. "We have allies throughout the Kingdom. The competition will take place tonight and we will take Samuel during the show. There will be much chaos and most of the Fairies will be hopped up on Fairy Juice. It's our best shot. The Bob and The Gus should have the intel as to where they are keeping Samuel, Martha and Jane…"
"Are they gay?" I asked.
"The Bob and The Gus?" The Kev asked.
"No, Martha and Jane."
"What does that have to do with anything?" The Reggie asked as he eyed me with distrust.
"It has nothing to do with anything," I said. "I'm just trying to remember shit and it popped into my head."
"She said shit," The Henry pointed out.