"The Goose and The Boob, I can't promise you anything, but I will do my best," I told them and watched as they blanched in horror at their new titles. "So where's our baby?"
"The child is yours?" The Bob asked, completely confused. "Did you have a child with Bon Jovi? I thought you we both married to others…"
"We are," I cut him off. "It was just a figure of speech."
I could have sworn Ethan muttered something about snot, but I missed it. Did Vampyres have bodily functions? I didn't think so, but again…what the Hell did I know about anything? Maybe our noses could run.
"So, you two are having an affair?" The Gus inquired as his eyes wandered jealously over Ethan from head to toe.
What the Hell? Ethan was straight, married and having an affair with Pink and they still wanted a piece of him. They were man-whores, but if they could tell us where the baby was I would reduce their sentence to man-sluts.
"Yes," Ethan replied quickly before I could refute him. "Where are the child and the other Vampyres?"
"They're being held separately," The Bob said. "The Vampyres have bargained for their lives. The Corrine has little use for them and wanted to kill them, but they are quite crafty."
"And violent," The Gus added.
"And sexy," The Reggie chimed in.
Both The Kev and Ethan turned away. Ethan sounded like he was coughing up a hairball and The Kev sounded like he had whooping cough. What was the deal? I was getting more and more certain Ethan was boffing Martha and Jane. Was The Kev boffing them too? Gemma would not be happy with that. I may not remember my name, but I was sure that Gemma would tie The Kev’s nuts in a knot if he cheated on her.
I'd remove my husband's privates with a dull butter knife if he did the nasty with someone else. Which was why I was not going to cheat on my husband, or possibly wife, with Ethan…no matter how much I wanted to. It didn't matter one bit he was the hottest man I'd ever seen. Nope. The fact that when I closed my eyes I could still see his face was immaterial. The way his ass filled out his jeans and the way his shirt pulled across his perfectly muscled chest when he moved was unimportant. No, no, no, no. I would not do the pretty Vampyre.
Oh my Hell, I said ass. An ass is a donkey, so it’s not really a bad word…
Okay. I can say ass and Hell. Shit is a little iffy, but I'd already committed to it and I felt good about it. No more. I would not add any more bad words.
The Kev, having regained his composure, rejoined the group. "Tell me where. Where is the child and where are the Vamps?"
"They keep moving the child," The Henry said as The Gus glared daggers at him.
"He was asking me," The Gus spat as The Henry backed off in fear. Clearly there was a pecking order here, but The Kev obviously trusted The Reggie and The Henry more. They knew our real faces and identities. The Gus and The Bob were higher up on the food chain, but were to be trusted less. Good to know.
"They keep moving the child," The Gus repeated. "Apparently he has burned down a number of houses and caused a few minor problems."
"The Goop," I said kindly as I shrugged in confusion. "Fairies can't handle a baby? This surprises me. Maybe this was a mistake coming here…and I was going to do a free concert and everything."
"Oh sweet Tinkerbell in a prairie dress." The Bob gasped and fell to his knees. "Please, Pink, you must do a concert. The Corrine will be happy for a moment or two and will stop her systematic murdering of the Light."
"Ohh Bopo, The Corruna sounds like a megalomaniac bitch," I said as The Reggie, The Henry, Ethan and The Kev stared at me open mouthed. I was positive the Fairies were shocked at my slight to their leader, but Ethan was surprised by my language. I still couldn't remember who I really was, but potty words were definitely starting to come easier.
"A bitch is a female dog," I explained to Ethan, whose grin set my panties on fire.
"Yes, it is, Pink. Yes, it is."
Why did his approval mean so much? I knew my grin was splitting my face, but I didn't care. I wanted more…
"So I'm getting tired of this shit, you bitches. Where the Hell are they hiding the baby and the concubine Vampyres?" I smiled and tried to toss my hair over my shoulder to drive my point home. I had used all my potty words in one sentence and I was proud. Ethan's wink all but did me in. However, you can't toss short hair. Being Pink was not working for me. The faster we got done here the faster I could be myself…whoever that was.
"You heard the lady," The Kev said as he crossed his massive arms over his massive chest. "Answer her."
"Why do Pink and Bon Jovi want the child?" The Bob asked, getting agitated.
That was a really good question. A question I had no answer to, but not knowing the answer had never stopped me before…
"Outstanding observation, The Gas," I yelled as I wracked my brain for something that made a modicum of sense. "It's because Bon Jovi got his weenie tied off and um…we want a child together. Not to…ah…mention, we're Vampyres and can't reproduce unless we are having semi-regular sexual intercourse with humans. Clearly we're both rock star Vampyres who are married to other people who most likely are not mythical creatures like we are…and even though we…um…have very regular and aerobic intimate relations, we have not successfully blown out a baby. Mostly because we're dead and Bon Jovi's little swimmers aren't swimming anymore since his Johnson was fixed. We heard about the…you know…stolen baby and we want him. Is that too much to ask? It's not like you dumbasses even need him now because he's not the true Queen's spawn. You can't negotiate a farked up blackmail scheme with a random baby. And I want him," I informed the traumatized crowd.