“I did not say that.”
“Ahhh, but you did. You took issue that they were girly men and said because of this they didn’t have the talent to plan your nuptials.”
“Oh my Hell,” I shouted as my fingers sparked and I set a priceless silk throw pillow on fire. We really needed to get rid of all the expensive shit in this house. “You are such a dick. Of course, I would have a gay Demon wedding planner. I have no issues with anyone’s sexual preference.”
“Wonderful. The boys will be here tomorrow morning at eight am sharp to audition for you.”
Satan clapped his hands together signaling that we were through with the subject as I flicked my fingers and doused the pillow with water. With sickening clarity, I realized that yet again I’d been had by my uncle. I debated momentarily if it would be smarter to concede this battle because there was a bigger one at hand or rip the Devil a new one for tricking me…
His ass was safe for the time being.
I’d never admit it, but the wedding planning was slightly beyond my skill set. Furthermore, I was tying the knot in Hell. I probably did need some help from someone who actually resided there. But wait…
“What do you mean audition?” I asked warily, stuffing the ruined pillow behind a few others. That didn’t sound right to me—at all.
“You’ll see,” Satan said with a shrug and a barely disguised grin.
Shit.
“Fine,” I replied through gritted teeth, deciding I didn’t want to spend anymore time than I had to with my Uncle. It was dangerous and usually led to an explosion of some kind. It could take hours to pry information from him and I needed to go get laid in the guest room. “When can you close the portals?”
“Already done,” he replied. “However, a few have reopened. I’ve got a group of SWAT Demons out right now trying to figure out this annoying puzzle.”
I sat for a moment and digested the fact that there was a SWAT Demon team and decided to let it go. Today was full of surprises and most of them unwelcome.
“What if they can’t find out who’s reopening them?” I asked realizing with an uncomfortable gulp what my Uncle had been searching for.
It had to be that damn three headed monstrosity that I’d shoved under the chair. Whatever. There was no way I could remove it inconspicuously from its hiding place with him in the room.
Satan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed so dramatically I almost laughed. “If—and I mean if—my Demons can’t find and destroy whatever is opening the portals, I suppose I’ll pull a favor and bring in the God Squad.”
It was my turn to pinch the bridge of my nose. God Squad? Was he yanking my chain? “At the risk of sounding like a dumbass. What in the Hell is a God Squad?”
“A fine question,” he replied with a moue of distaste. “It’s my brother’s SWAT team—full of do-gooders. I’d hate to use them, but I did promise you I’d close the portals.”
“You plan on keeping your promise?”
He stared at me for a long moment and then tilted his head to the side. “For you? Yes. I plan to keep this promise. I can’t guarantee that I’ll keep any other promise I make. It’s not in my nature to actually follow through with things, but this is my wedding gift to you and that thing you’re marrying.”
“The thing’s name is Ethan and why?”
“Why what?” Satan asked, confused.
“Why will you keep your promise to me? I’m not buying the wedding gift thing,” I replied with a laugh trapped in my throat that was very close to escaping.
“Because,” he replied curtly with a wave of his hand signifying that we were done with the conversation.
“Because you like me?” I teased.
“I don’t like anyone,” he shot back with a raised brow.
“I beg to differ,” I said as I raised my own brow to match his. “You love me.”
“That’s absurd,” Satan said angrily. “I love no one.”
“I call bullshit on that. You love me, you love Grandpa, you love Mother Nature, and you love Dixie. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t love the Seven Deadly Sins, but I’m pretty sure you do. And I’m positive you love Samuel. So there. You can take that and shove it up your evil butthole.”
“Let’s leave my butthole out of this,” he replied easily with an enormous eye roll. “I might like that list of people you mentioned, but love is pushing it. However, if you share this conversation with anyone, I’ll make you quite sorry you did so.”
“And what exactly will you do?” I goaded him, enjoying my heart-to-heart with the Devil. “Kill me?”
“Now since we both know that’s almost virtually impossible, that’s a very silly thing to say,” he said as he clapped his hands and made Ethan’s desk disappear. “It will look better in my office.” He took in my shocked expression with glee. “Let’s just say I could make it very difficult for you to find things and it would be such a shame if your wardrobe and shoes disappeared on a regular basis.”
“This is true,” I said slowly wondering if I was brave or insane enough enough to show my hand…Yes. Yes, I was. “Be that as it may, it might be a tad bit embarrassing for you if the video of you sleep-singing Journey’s Greatest Hits was to end up on YouTube and went viral,” I countered with a nonchalant shrug on the outside and a churning stomach on the inside.