“You wouldn’t,” he said with a huge belly laugh and a look of pure fatherly pride on his beautiful face. “That would be a very bad move on your part, Astrid. However, the sheer size of your balls brings me untold amounts of pleasure. Your Demon side is developing very nicely.”
“I’d say thank you, but I’d be lying,” I told him. “I’m me. I’m a materialistic, profane, Vampyre-Demon mom who has a conscience. My Demon side is only a small part of who I am.”
“So you say… I must be off. I have a rendezvous with a rather vicious Demon. Can’t be late. She’s a horrible woman and prone to violence if kept waiting. It’s incredibly arousing,” he said as he stood and glanced around the room one last time. “Oh, and because God is such a whiney bastard, you should expect a visit from Jeff.”
“Jeff?” I asked, letting my head fall back on the couch. I had no more time for celestial beings to come and hang out. I was horny and needed to let Mary-Harry-Larry-Scary know who was bumping uglies with Ethan. “Who is Jeff?”
“Jeff is an annoying motherfucker who likes to think of himself as a pre-marital counselor. I find this rather ludicrous since the slimy little bastard has never been married and touts his celibacy as if it were a virtue,” Satan explained with a shudder of distaste.
“He’s an Angel? An Angel named Jeff?” I asked to make sure I understood this new and unfortunate wrinkle.
“Yes, and he’s coming to meet with you and Ethan about your wedding. I have no clue when. Those rude bastards always show up at the most inconvenient times,” Satan hissed.
I bit back a grin as he could have been talking about himself, but there was no way in Hell I was going to mention that. I valued my undead life.
“And who did I screw over in a former life to merit a visit from Jeff?” I snapped.
“You tell me,” Satan shot back with a laugh. “Actually, your human record is fairly clean. It’s all God’s fault. My brother got pissy because I’m hosting something that technically should take place on his turf. So I agreed to let Jeff come and spout some bullshit to you.”
“Hold the fuck on here,” I growled. “This is my wedding. Not yours and not God’s. Where do you two get off arranging things for me? I’m already mated. The marriage is just for…”
“For what?” Satan asked, truly curious. “Why is it so important to you?”
“Um… because,” I said, not knowing how to explain something so precious to the freakin’ Harbinger of Evil.
“Astrid, I know I’m not your father. Thankfully, you killed the bastard. I owe you for that by the way. And since that waste of space was my brother, it makes me the next best person to take on a fatherly role to you.”
“Are we having a father-daughter talk?” I choked out, unsure whether to laugh or run screaming from the room.
“I suppose,” Satan said thoughtfully with a small surprised chuckle. “Although episodes like these screw with my street cred. If you ever speak of this, I will smite your ass so thoroughly you won’t be able to sit on it for a year. Are we clear?”
“Crystal.”
“So I’d like to think you’re having this wedding to say fuck you to all the Vampyres, but I’d be wrong—and I’m rarely wrong. You’re having this wedding because you haven’t let go of your humanity. I find this interesting since you are so much more now than you were. Being human is overrated. They’re so weak and malleable. But that’s what it is, isn’t it?”
I stared at him and said nothing. He thought he knew me, but he was wrong—even though he hated being wrong, he was.
“However, a piece of advice,” Satan continued. “Let the humanity go. You can’t have it back no matter what you do.”
“Being psychoanalyzed by the Devil is a little disconcerting,” I muttered sarcastically.
“Yes, well, I’m good like that.”
“But you’re wrong,” I said calmly.
“Am I?”
His voice was silky and his eyes narrowed. My tummy flipped and I felt a bit light headed, but I wasn’t some wimpy little girl. I was a True Immortal Vampyre-Demon with untold power and an extremely foul mouth. I could go toe-to-toe with the Devil. Would I win? Probably not, and I never wanted to test that theory, but I wasn’t about to let him leave with any misguided illusions about me. Satan wasn’t used to being contradicted, but he wasn’t used to having a niece with no filter either. Yes, he was one of the most powerful beings alive. Yes, he could wave his hand and incinerate the world as we knew it… but he was wrong.
“Yep. You’re wrong. I know I’m not human anymore. If I had the chance to go back, I wouldn’t. I have Ethan and I have Samuel and I wouldn’t change that for anything in this world or any other.”
“I’m not following, my dear niece. How am I wrong?”
“I may not be human, but I haven’t lost my humanity, and I won’t. You seem to be forgetting that I’m Compassion,” I reminded with a smile. “I will always have a conscience and I will let it guide me.”
“Like that horrid little bug, Jiminy Cricket?” Satan inquired with a smirk.
“Yes. Exactly like the horrid little bug,” I agreed with a laugh.
“Fine,” Satan said with a put upon sigh. “You’re good and kind and blah, blah, blah. But I do have some marital advice for you.”