“Is the prophecy complete?” Jeff questioned logically. “Most are written in dead languages and difficult to decipher.”
“Fine point. Well made,” Ethan said to Jeff who preened like a girl under my mate’s praise. “I’ll have to speak with my father.”
“Whoa,” I cut into the love-fest. “I could get knocked up again?”
I adored my baby with every fiber of my body, but being pregnant sucked.
“I don’t know,” Jeff said. “But taking a precaution like rhythm, condoms or abstention would be wise if you’re not ready to expand your family.”
Ethan’s loud groan let everyone know loud and clear his opinion on the matter.
“Does rhythm work?” I inquired still not knowing how in the Hell to do it, but the other options weren’t very appealing.
Jeff paused and thought for a long moment—too long. “The Catholics seem keen on the rhythm method,” he replied without making a lick of eye contact.
Not really a good sign.
“Nuff said,” I whispered, remembering all my Catholic buddies with enormous families.
“Are we done yet?” Ethan asked rudely, clearly ready to physically punt Jeff from the compound.
“Almost. Can I ask a question?” I inquired in a small voice as I felt my brain and emotions breakdancing inside my body.
“Please do,” Jeff said warmly as he stood to leave.
“Did we pass?”
Jeff considered his answer carefully as Ethan and I sat forward in our chairs.
“Kind of,” Jeff informed us with pursed lips. “As long as you wait until after you’re married to have relations, I can pass you.”
“Just so I don’t fuck this up—no pun intended—by relations, you mean sex. Right?” I asked what I thought was a totally reasonable question since rhythm apparently had several definitions.
“This is ludicrous,” Ethan snapped as his fangs dropped with displeasure. “We’re a mated Vampyre couple. We have sex daily.”
“Several times a day,” I corrected him.
Jeff’s slack mouthed reaction didn’t bode well. “Yes… well, you’re not married in the eyes of your Uncle God, so to pass, you have to abstain until Saturday. That shouldn’t be too hard.”
“Pun intended?” I chimed in to a now very pale Jeff.
“Absolutely not,” Jeff huffed. “Any other questions.”
“Is dry humping cheating?” I mumbled, wanting to sink into the floor and die. Being that I was already dead, that wasn’t an option.
“I will deny saying this,” Jeff replied cautiously as he glanced around the room searching for for cameras or spies. “But that’s fine.”
I looked at Ethan and Ethan looked at me. He was not a happy camper and neither was I, but if we were going to do this… we were going to do it right. We could go without sex for five days. Hell, I was going to be so busy trying to pull a wedding out of my butt I wouldn’t even realize we weren’t playing hide the salami.
Yeah… right.
Chapter 9
“Houston, we have a problem,” I said as I contemplated throwing a massive hissy fit.
Jeff had poofed away in a blast of silver and white glitter and Ethan and I were left mulling over the new no-sex rule. Honestly, I was still secretly still trying to figure out how rhythm worked.
“And what could that possibly be?” Ethan asked in a voice laced with sarcasm.
“Don’t be a dick,” I snapped, desperately trying to find the positive. “It’s five days. Granted it’s going to be the five longest days of our lives, but just think how amazeballingly insane the sex will be on Saturday night after the wedding?”
“Fine, Astrid,” Ethan said with a sad shake of his head and then perked up. “Do you think oral is off limits?”
“Probably,” I said forlornly. “But I’ll ask.”
“Who? Jeff?”
“Who else would I ask?” I demanded, wanting to blast something in the room to smithereens.
“Don’t bother. The question might kill him.”
“True,” I agreed and burned a small hole in the carpet just to feel better.
We sat in mopey silence imagining life without sex. It was a very sad moment.
“Oh my Uncle God,” I gasped out. “We were supposed to have loud sex to put Mary-Scary-Harry in her place.”
Ethan shrugged and gave me the eyeball.
I jumped up and paced the room in agitation. I was not going to watch Mary-Larry flirt with my man. Killing her out of jealousy was not a compassionate thing to do. I was a compassionate, good person—kind of. How else could I put the horny skank in her place?
“We’ll fake it,” I insisted with satisfaction. “We’ll just yell and throw shit around the room. Maybe if we really get into it, we can break the bed. You ready?”
“To have fake loud sex with you?” Ethan asked with his brows raised so high I was certain they might touch his hairline.
“Yessssss,” I hissed. “It’s not breaking any rules and it will shut Scary-Larry up. I would totally do it for you.”
Ethan laughed and sat back down on the couch. “Astrid, you have changed my life dramatically. Never in my years did I think I would agree to fake loud sex. The bizarre concept had never even crossed my mind. However, I would kill for you, so I suppose playing at bad porno will work. How do we do this?”