Charles, seeing his work here was done, turned back into the unattractively cute statue I’d stupidly adopted.
“Charles,” I growled as I grabbed him and got in his faces. “If you ever do something like that again, I will blast your stone ass into a million pieces. No one deserves to die for liking REO Speedwagon. Do you understand me?”
“Well, I don’t know about that,” Pam chimed in.
“Not helping here,” I hissed at her.
“Meeeeee sorry,” Charles whimpered as he hung his heads and started to cry. “You waaaaaant me to bring him baaaaaack?”
“You can do that?” I asked, shocked.
“Yesssssss,” he replied. “Meeeee just turnnnned him into poooooop. Fat Demon Doug is stiiiiiilllllll in there.”
“He’s in the poop?” I cautiously walked over to look at the big glob on the floor and sure enough Doug’s round face was staring up at me.
It was all kinds of disgusting and I knew if I shared this with Ethan, Charles was so gone.
“Holy shit—pun intended,” Gemma said as she examined the pile on the floor. “He really is in there. Or at least his face is.”
“Dude,” Venus said on a gag. “That is gross.”
“I’m gonna hurl,” Paris Hilton choked out, slapping her hands over her mouth.
“You can’t. You’re a Vampyre,” I snapped, feeling as close to puking as I ever had.
“Damn it, you’re right,” Paris shrieked, going paler than she already was.
“I can fix this,” Dixie said as she stepped up and studied the Doug poo pile. “Charles you tell my father this is unacceptable. Doug will need years of therapy after this.”
“Heeeeee can hearrrrrr you,” Charles told Dixie.
“Are you a portal to my father?” she asked, surprised.
“Nooooooo, just a spyyyyyyyy,” he explained.
“Lovely,” she muttered, verbalizing my feelings exactly.
Ethan was right. I couldn’t keep Charles. He was a fucking menace.
With a wave of her hands, red and purple fire consumed the goopy lump on the floor. Dixie chanted something in a dead language that I was semi-able to understand and Doug reappeared. Of course he was covered in a jelly-like substance and buck ass naked, but at least he was alive—traumatized—but breathing.
“I’d like to disqualify myself from the position,” Doug said with teeth chattering and abject fear written all over his chubby face.
I didn’t blame him.
“Did you really think you could do the job in the first place?” I asked as I flopped down on the couch and did everything I could do not to cry.
“I didn’t really even consider that,” Doug said with an apologetic shrug. “I was just excited to dance in public. I’ve never seen a wedding in my life. Most Demons haven’t.”
“He’s right,” Dixie said as she waved her hands, cleaning and clothing Doug. “These Demons were born in Hell and have no real clue what human traditions are like. I have no idea what my father was thinking.”
“I’m really sorry,” Fat Demon Doug said as he sat down next to me and patted my back in despair.
“Meeeeee think Saaaatan just want to think heeeeeee in chaaaarge, so heeeee send a Deeeeemooon to ruuuun the shoooow,” Charles explained.
“Did the Devil just hear you say that?” I asked getting ready to hunker down if Satan blew up the compound because of Charles’ insolence.
“Noooooooo,” Charles said and then giggled. “Meeee can turn it on and oooofffffffffff.”
“Interesting. Can I trust you?” I asked the stone trouble-maker.
“Deeeeefine trust,” he replied.
“Fuck,” I mumbled as I dropped my head into my hands and wondered what in the Hell to do.
“Charles, I command your allegiance to me and Astrid,” Dixie said as she made a circle in the air with her fingers and sparkling magenta glitter burst from the tips.
Charles wobbled and groaned a bit then burped loudly—thankfully nothing was expelled. “Yes, myyyyyy liege,” he grunted with a happy squeal.
“You will no longer report to my father. You are simply a talking, um… little monster dude who knows everything about planning a human wedding. Am I clear?” Dixie asked as she continued to conjure magic.
“Yesssssssss!”
“All fixed,” Dixie said with a grin. “You have a wedding planner—albeit a slightly non-traditional one—and Dad will have no idea what’s going on. Win-win.”
“Do you want me to stay and help?” Doug asked sweetly looking like an excited child—with horns and a beer belly. “I am good with dancing. Maybe I can coach you and the groom on the first dance.”
“That would be a…” I stuttered wanting to say clusterfuck, but he was so innocently hopeful I didn’t have the heart to hurt him. “Wonderful idea,” I choked out as Pam and the rest of the bridesmaids tried unsuccessfully to hide their laughter.
“Thiiiissss will beeeeee a fabuloussssss wedding,” Charles bellowed, as Doug danced wildly around the room and my girls stopped trying to hide their giggles.
“Well,” I said giving into the wince-smile that pulled at my lips. “It will definitely be a wedding no one will forget.”
Shitshitshit.
Chapter 10
“Then the magical little boy decided that turning everyone’s skin different colors at his mommy and daddy’s wedding was a very, very, very bad idea, so he didn’t do it. The end,” I said as I hugged my giggling son tight in my arms.