“Yes,” Gigi grumbled and let her own power recede. “However, if I see her again, all bets are off.”
“Grandmother…” I said sternly.
“Fine,” she snapped as she waved her hand and pined Mary to the wall with a violent blast of wind. “I won’t kill her exactly, but she must be punished for her impertinence. I’m Mother Fucking Nature.”
“I agree. What exactly did you have in mind?” I asked warily. I knew damn well that there was no way in Hell Mary could get off scot free after speaking to one of the most powerful beings in the world as she did. “And it can’t include death of any kind.”
“How many kinds of death are there?” Fat Demon Doug asked, confused.
“Many,” Mother Nature purred as she eyed the pathetic Vamp. “Oh so very many. Do you like your beauty, Mary?”
Mary stared at Mother Nature and refused to answer.
Bad move.
“I think you do,” Gigi said as she flicked her fingers and zapped Mary bald.
Mary hissed and bared her fangs at my grandma. I rolled my eyes. How ignorant was she?
Very.
She was very ignorant.
With a giggle of delight, Gigi waved her hand again and blackened her teeth then reduced her breast size to the point that a training bra would be overkill. I kind of felt bad for her, but the vicious look she threw me made me keep my compassionate mouth shut. I’d just saved her worthless life. Mary-Harry-Larry was an ungrateful skank. She needed a lesson and Mother Nature was more than willing to be her teacher today.
“Would Mary look nice with a beard?” Mother Nature asked politely.
“I think you’ve done enough,” I said. “Let her go now.”
Mother Nature considered my request and nodded curtly. “My work here is done. Who wants cake?”
I swallowed the hysterical laughter than threatened to escape from my lips and stepped up to the counter as did Trista, Spike and Francisco. Mary ran from the room hissing and swearing. Never to come back, hopefully… but I was sure I wasn’t going to get that lucky. Against all odds, Fat Doug and Charles loved Mother Nature’s cakes—all of them. Or maybe they wanted to keep their hair and pearly white teeth.
Just another day in my undead paradise…
Chapter 11
“They were edible?” Paris Hilton asked in surprise. “I thought Mother Nature was the Universe’s worst cook.”
“She is,” I replied as I unzipped the bridesmaid dress that Paris was wearing. She looked beautiful. All of my gals looked like freakin’ super models. The only one left to try on her dress was Pam and I knew she would rock the Hell out of it. “Pompeii happened because one of Mother Nature’s cakes was insulted. Maybe Fat Demon Doug and Charles don’t have taste buds.”
“Or maybe she learned how to cook,” Raquel volunteered skeptically as she flopped down on my bed and began the arduous task of matching fingernail polish and lipstick to a fabric swatch from the bridesmaid dresses.
“Or maybe she didn’t make them at all.” Venus gave an evil little snicker. “You said she had flour all over her dress and frosting in her hair. Right?”
“Yep. She was a hot mess. Not like her at all,” I said as I carefully hung all the bridesmaid dresses and put them back into my closet.
“That smacks of guilt. She was trying to make it look like she’d been slaving away,” Gemma said with a giggle. “Were the cakes pretty?”
“Gorgeous,” I confirmed.
“She so didn’t bake them,” Gemma said, eliminating four of the lipsticks from the pile in front of Raquel. “Too dark.”
“Agree,” Raquel said tossing a few of the nail polishes aside as well.
“You really think she didn’t bake them?” I asked with a laugh.
“I really, really, really don’t think she baked them,” Gemma stated with authority. “If there was no vomiting or explosive gas she either bought them or had someone else bake the cakes for her.”
“Well, I’m certainly not gonna call her out on that one,” I said with a shudder.
“Hell to the no,” Paris grunted. “If she’s passing off palatable food as her own, I say zip the lip and let them eat cake without fear of eternal death.”
“I heard Mary is a little worse for the wear,” Venus said with a wrinkled nose and a barely concealed smile.
“She thought Mother Nature was a servant of some sort and treated her as such,” I explained with a shudder. “Let’s just say that didn’t go over very well.”
“She’s a horrible person,” Paris said. “I never liked her. Known her for a long time, she’s always been a bee-otch.”
“Well, there’s a little less of her to like now,” I said.
“She’s dead?” Paris asked, shocked.
“Nope, but I am guessing she might wish she was,” I told her.
“Never fuck with Mother Nature,” Raquel advised sagely. “Don’t get me wrong, I adore her, but she’s insane on her best days and certifiable on her worst.”
“Word,” Gemma said with a chuckle. “Enough of that unpleasantness. It’s time to talk wedding. Do you have your dress yet?” she asked me.
“It arrives tomorrow, along with Ethan’s custom tux and a mini one for Samuel,” I said, clasping my hands together with excitement. “My dress is perfect and I can’t wait till you guys see it.”