“Look at it like phone sex with lots of movement.”
“But you always laugh when we try to have phone sex,” Ethan reasoned with a sexy lopsided grin.
“Point,” I agreed wanting to jump him and ride him like a cowboy. “I’ll do my damnedest not to laugh. Just like grunt and moan and yell shit like faster and oh my God your tits are spectacular. Okay?”
“Will do,” Ethan said as he went to disrobe.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Getting naked for fake sex.”
“You don’t get real naked for fake sex. You get fake naked. If you get real naked, we’ll have real sex, and we’ll fail the freakin’ wedding test. I don’t want to fail.”
“What happens if we flunk the exam?” Ethan asked as he halted his strip show.
“Um… I don’t know, but I want to get married. I know it’s dumb and human and beneath all that’s Vampyre, but…”
“I want to marry you too, Astrid,” Ethan said as he crossed the room and gently took me into his strong arms. “Nothing would make me more proud than to be both your mate and your husband.”
“Really?” I whispered with my face buried in his chest.
“Really,” he promised. “We shall wait because it’s important to you. I waited for you for hundreds of years. Five days will not kill me.”
“You’re already dead,” I mumbled with a giggle. “Your argument is moot.”
“You are correct, beautiful girl. You ready?”
“For what?” I asked snuggling closer. My need for him surpassed the physical, crawling inside of him couldn’t get me close enough.
“Oh my God!” he shouted, startling the ever loving Hell out of me. “Do that again, baby. Yeah, right there.”
I laughed so hard I almost choked as he sprinted across the room and slammed his body against the wall taking down a lamp and several pictures off the wall. My man never went about anything half way.
“Oh Ethan,” I squealed as I picked up a vase and hurled it across the room. “Don’t stop. I think I’m blind. Your Johnson is sooooooooo huge!”
“Don’t call it a Johnson,” he whispered trying not to laugh.
“What should I call it?” I whispered back, grinning so hard it hurt.
“Humongous love stick,” he informed me as he held on to the wall so he didn’t drop to the floor in hysterics.
“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod,” I shouted turning away from him so I could get it out. “Your porksword is enormous. Impale me. NOW!”
“Holy shit,” he muttered quietly as he banged his head against the wall. “That was fucking awful.”
“No it wasn’t,” I hissed and then cackled. “It was awful. Let me try again.”
“Be my guest. How could it get worse?”
“Just wait,” I shot back as I banged on the wall and wracked my brain. “Do me with your giant sized man tool. That’s right, you sex god. Take that anaconda and let me know who’s boss. Oooooooooooo baby, do me good with that trouser meat. YES,” I screamed and then fell to the ground laughing so hard I was crying.
“Jesus,” Ethan grumbled as he crawled over to me. “That was unimaginably worse. You win.”
“This is not going to accomplish what I was hoping to get done,” I choked out as I tried to control my laughter.
“I disagree. Anyone who happens to overhear this—which sadly is probably everyone—will know that we’re a happily mated couple with some alarming kinks and a screwed up sense of humor. I would assume this episode will let Mary know she is not in the running for anything.”
“You think?”
“Astrid, it doesn’t matter. No one is in the running. You’re it for me. Period,” he replied with a smile as he brushed my wild dark locks from my face. “I love you so much it’s unexplainable. I had nothing before I had you—no laughter, no real love.”
“No child,” I added, not laughing anymore. “You’re everything to me. And you know what? I don’t need to make Mary feel awful. She does a fine job of that herself. You’re mine and I’m yours. Just promise me if we’re going to see someone you banged in the past that you’ll give me a heads up.”
“Pun intended?”
“Yep,” I said with a laugh. “Deal?”
“Deal,” he replied as he kissed me with so much adoration my tears started again. “You wanna go back to our own suite and get some shut eye?”
“I do.”
“I like those words,” he said with a sly grin that melted my heart.
“That’s a very good thing,” I said as I took his offered hand and got to my feet. “Because you’re going to be hearing them again on Saturday.”
“And I do believe I will be saying them too,” he added as we left the destroyed suite and headed up stairs.
With a little squeal, I wrapped my arms around his huge frame and hugged him tight. “Oh Ethan, I can’t wait.”
“Neither can I, my love. Neither can I.”
***
“Is this a fucking joke?” Pam whispered to me as we watched three gay Demons dressed like the Construction Worker from Village People do a kick line to a song from the musical Cats.
“Dear God, I hope so,” I muttered. I pressed at my temples and tried to smile at the horrendous show taking place in Ethan’s office.